The Mother in Me

Being a good mother can seem so hard sometimes.  There are so many great women doing so many wonderful things.  They baby wear, home school, give birth naturally, have c-sections, send their kids to public school, stay at home, or work outside the home.  Everyone is doing it differently, and sometimes that can be overwhelming.  Which way is the right way?  Am I a bad mom because I don't do x,y, or z?  Am I good mom because I am doing something else entirely?  The truth is that every mom who is trying to love her children, trying to teach them to be good people, and trying to enjoy this journey called motherhood is doing it right.  For the most part there is no right or wrong answer.  I am learning instead that the best way to feel like a good mother is to accept yourself for the mother you are.  It doesn't mean we can't change, or improve in our areas of weakness; but I think learning to accept the ways that we mother is so important.  I'm not perfect at this, and because I am human and live in a world full of technology and quick comparisons, I probably never will be perfect at accepting myself and my mothering ways.  But I am making progress, and that makes a world of difference in my relationship with my children and the ways I think about and treat myself.

The mother in me doesn't have meltdowns when her children go to nursery or start preschool.  I didn't cry at the sight of my Stella walking into her first day of school.  I've never had a problem with the idea of my children moving on to the next phase of life, and at times that has made me feel like there was something wrong with me as a mother. The mother in me loves the idea of my children experiencing the next adventure that life has to offer.  I feed off their excitement to finally go to school or join big sis in nursery.  These moments bring me more joy than sorrow, and that's okay! I will admit that kindergarten may be a different story.  I'm already getting anxious thinking about that next step.

The mother in me has never had a hard time leaving my kids for a night or weekend away.  Okay, the whole RSV thing definitely shook me up a little bit and I don't think I will ever be leaving a babe under the age of one for more than a night or two, but even after a very scary experience I have still been able to leave the country without my children with little to no worry.  Does that make me heartless?  Especially after what happened with Eliza?  Deep down I know it doesn't, but when I talk with other mamas or read their declarations of intense attachment parenting I wonder if I am doing something wrong.  Do I just not love my kids enough or something?  But then I remember how the mother in me misses those babies like crazy once I'm gone.  And how I know, at least in our case, that a little bit of time alone or with my husband (even a simple date night) makes for a happier home and better quality time with my kids once we are back.  And let's be honest- we mostly just talk about them and watch adorable videos of their dance performances while we're gone anyway.

The mother in me (really just the woman in general) really doesn't like to craft or sew.  Like I really don't have a single bone in my body that desires that sort of creativity.  That obviously means I am a failure of a woman (especially a Mormon woman) and will never be able to teach my children to create, right?  But the mother in me loves to write, make beautiful spaces, and enjoys fashion and feeling pretty.  And those are all things that are wonderful, too, and that can serve as example of creativity to my children.  There may be hope for them after all.

The mother in me is so far from perfect that it sort of scares me sometimes.  I get a little annoyed with my kids, I'm not innately selfless, and I actually get a little sick of playing the role of Prince Charming (or whatever other character I have been assigned for the day).  More often than not I feel like I can't keep my house clean or stay away from my phone.  But the bigger part of the mother in me loves my children with every fiber of my being and wants to do everything in my power to do better for them the next day.  I can honestly say that there is nothing I would rather be doing than mothering these little souls I have been blessed to call my own.  Sometimes it's a hard job, but that's mostly just because I'm selfish.  When the mother in me does her best to forget about herself, the things that the world says are supposed to matter, or the to-do list she has created in her mind she realizes just how much this job means to her and really, how uncomplicated it can be.  I may not be doing it like you are, and I know I'll never be able to do it as well as my own mother has, but I'm doing the best that I can.  And I am doing it all from a place of deep love.  A place that I didn't even know existed until I first held that sweet little girl in my arms nearly four and a half years ago. 

 I'm so grateful for that imperfect,  fully invested mother in me.