When the World Feels Heavy

Sometimes life makes me want to hide inside my house forever, with my babies snuggled safely by my side and my husband holding my hand and reminding me that it's all going to be okay.  I think life is always hard for some reason or another, but every once in a while it feels that everywhere I turn, every picture or post or news story I look at reminds me of some great tragedy and awakens the anxiety within my soul.  Life can change in an instant.  Literally, one second everything you know and love can be one way and in the very next it is completely different, usually because of circumstances entirely out of one's control.  And that fact and those thoughts can sometimes make me feel paralyzed.  

Accidents happen, people get sick, men knock their girlfriends unconscious in elevators, and babies die.  Not to mention the horrors that are occurring in nearly every corner of the world that make me want to shut off the news forever and ever.  There are so many people who need our help.  So many people who could use a donation or plate of food or just a hug.  And some days that thought completely overwhelms me.

The truth is life is going to happen no matter if I am scared of it or not.  I am 28 years-old, bad things have happened in my life and more will surely come.  But I know I can't dwell on those thoughts.  I can't live my life in the what-if's, and instead I must live it (as fully as possible) in the here and now.  That can be so hard for me sometimes.  Not just because of fear of the unknown, but because my personality lends itself to planning.  Planning our next trip to Utah, contemplating my future with three kids, dreaming of our future and what we really want that to look like. Our life is so good right now, our families are happy and healthy, and the future is bright. But the truth is we are never guaranteed anything.  Tomorrow might not come, and if it does it might be nothing like we ever imagined it would be.  But I have also learned that when that tomorrow comes and it is different than you envisioned or hoped, you will watch yourself do things you never thought possible. Suddenly you are doing really hard things, and you are surviving and even finding bits and pieces of happiness along the way.  

I guess I just needed to remind myself that whatever is ahead, it will all be okay.  There may be speed bumps or Mt. Everests that lie in our path, but there is enough goodness in the world and peace from a loving Savior to get us through.  And watching a sad movie always seems to make me feel a little better, too (many thanks to The Book Thief).  Sure I'm crying because of the sad set of circumstances that befall that lovable character, but I'm really bawling my eyes out because my dad died four years ago, my friend lost her baby, some lady with five kids was just diagnosed with cancer, and maybe life just feels heavy today.  

These terrible things bring perspective to my life, something I am sure that those actually living them hope for the situation.  They remind me how blessed I am, they make we want to hug my kids a little bit tighter and make sure I tell my husband I love him more than words can say.