Uno, Dos, Tres

Number three...we're doing it.  Oh how the journey to get here has been so different than the others.  Honestly, it has been hard.  I know my hard isn't as hard as so many others, maybe not even yours.  But for me it was hard.  So many times I felt betrayed by my own body.  My body that I very selfishly and pridefully thought was so good at doing this thing, this making babies and carrying them to full-term where they are born healthy and happy.  I never should have thought that way, but after getting pregnant for the third time after only weeks of trying it was hard not to become confident that this was just the way it worked for us.  Next came the miscarriage, something that took me to a place I have never been before.  Next came four months of waiting, feeling (imagining?) pregnancy symptoms, and then being crushed when two lines didn't appear on that pregnancy test.  

I never questioned my Heavenly Father's hand in this journey.  Yes, I was angry, but not at Him.  I was angry at my body and at myself for feeling so defeated when nothing about the situation was in my control and when I knew so many others have it worse.  In the weeks leading up to my fourth positive pregnancy test, I found my prayers changing.  I began to try and align my will with His. I didn't know what that meant, but I knew I had to do it.  I had to publicly declare that whatever His plan for my life and my children was, that I could be happy with it.  If I had to wait another year, I was ready to do it.  If this journey was to prepare me for twins or a special needs child, I was ready.  If it meant that I would never have another child, I was determined to still be happy.

It sounds so dramatic, it really does.  But those thoughts and my feelings were so real.  I cried many tears about the what-could-have-beens in those five months.  But here I am at the other side, and I can honestly say I am grateful.  I have more empathy for others, I have a renewed trust in the Lord's timing, and there is something about this December babe that just feels right.

The hard parts of getting this child here aren't over.  And really, the heartache and investment we feel for these babies never goes away.  The first few weeks of my pregnancy were almost torture.  We told our families immediately as I knew we needed the extra prayers of strength and comfort.  I never understood why people would tell their families literally the same day they found out they were pregnant.  I mean, what if something happened?  But then something happened, and I needed them so badly.  The support of my friends and family got me through those dark moments after losing that baby, and so now I understand why.  I didn't even make the call to schedule my first prenatal appointment until I had passed the time of when the miscarriage occurred.  Ryan gave me a priesthood blessing soon after, and since that time my anxiety has gone down immensely.  During those sacred few minutes I truly felt that this baby would come to our family and I didn't need to worry so much.  It doesn't mean I still don't worry, but I try to remember those feelings of peace.

Telling the girls was so much fun.  We decided to tell them after my ten week ultrasound, by asking what they wanted for Christmas this year and then showing them a picture of that little babe in my belly.  Having children who are a little bit older has made this a different experience, but in a good way.  They understand a lot, but not too much; and talk about the baby every single day.

For the last year Stella has been talking about getting two baby brothers next.  It has always been a joke that we would have twins (both of our moms are twins), but her constant insistence made everyone start to wonder.  I especially started getting freaked out when at about seven weeks pregnant (she didn't know) she asked me out of the blue "Mom, how are you going to take care of us all?"  I asked who she was talking about and she responded "Me, Liza, and my two baby brothers." (!!!) Then a few days later she told her Nana that soon Eliza wouldn't be sleeping in her crib, because her two baby brothers would be sleeping there.  So needless to say, she was a little disappointed that there is only one in there.  

I can't wait to see this girl take on the role of big sister for the second time.  She is already so invested as she asks me every single day how the baby is doing, if the baby likes a certain food, or if she can sing the baby a song.  She wasn't even two when Eliza was born and will be nearly five when this one comes along, so it will definitely be a different experience for her.

 

As for this little girl, oh man does she love being the baby.  She acts like she is excited for a baby to join this crazy crew, but we all know she doesn't have a clue what is about to happen.  As of now she loves to talk about the baby in her mommy's tummy and says she will share her beloved blankies and change all the diapers I need her to.  I am sure it will be an adjustment, but I can't wait to see her as a big sis.  I am hoping her obsession with babies easily transfers to her new sibling.

And then there is number three.  I love this babe so much already.  I have been the most sick with this pregnancy, but feel that I have gotten progressively more sick each time so who knows what that means.  I started zofran at 6 weeks and continue to take it about once per day.  Thankfully I didn't suffer from all of the nasty side effects that can come with it, cause I'm not sure I could have survived without it's powers.  

My official due date is December 13, but I was measuring about four days early at my 10 week ultrasound.  The doctors haven't officially changed my due date, but I certainly have.  Based on those new calculations, I am 17 weeks today.  Now I am just watching that belly grow, feeling pretty exhausted most days, feeling nausea late at night and in the early mornings, and anxiously awaiting those little kicks from the babe causing all this chaos.  Oh, and for the record Stella says boy, Eliza says girl, I think it's a boy (I'm never right) and Ryan is undecided (of course).  We find out three weeks from today!

I never wanted a December baby.  I would have done everything in my control to plan around having a December baby.  But then I realized none of it is in my control anyways.  And now this little Christmas miracle is on it's way.  It might come early like Miss Eliza, I might have a c-section, and there is even a chance I might get to VBA2C.  But I am not as concerned about all of that this time around.  I just want this babe here, snuggled in my arms with big sisters examining every inch of his newness and daddy keeping us all afloat just like he always does.