Measuring a Year

So let's talk about 2013, shall we?  I know we are already almost done with the first month of 2014, but there were some moments and changes and growth worth remembering that came from the 365 days that made up the last year.  At this time last year, after a 2012 overflowing with change, I was hoping for a little bit of stability.  We all know that didn't end up being the case, and truthfully I am starting to believe that a calm, uneventful year will never happen.  Life is always changing, the people I love most are always (much to my dismay) changing and growing; and in the end I don't really want a life that isn't evolving into something better each day anyways.

When it comes to the man of the house, I think he would say it was a good year.  He survived another year with three crazy ladies, and was able to do many of the things he loves.  Living in Montana afforded the rivers, wildlife and friendships that any outdoors man would be happy to have.  He spent many a day off fly fishing on the Bighorn or shooting guns with friends.  He even managed to get his wife up on the mountain early one morning searching for deer.  Not to  mention the few weekends he was able to spend with his brothers and dad in their favorite mountain getaway.  

Professionally it was a year of growth and change for Dr. P.  Thanks to the experience he gained working at such a busy and successful practice in Montana, he was more than prepared to move on to his next stop in Idaho were he is continuing to enjoy his work.  Because Ryan is the most likable guy in the world (not to mention a great dentist), he always becomes an office favorite and finds great satisfaction with his work.  Transitioning to the practice in Idaho has been a great move for him, and I think it was the right decision for so many reasons.

Amid all that other stuff he continues to be our rock.  He puts up with a lot from us crazy girls, but we couldn't imagine life without him.

Years 2010, 2011, and 2012 found me knee deep in babies.  With two little girls only twenty-one months apart it was three years of one or the other needing fed, one or the other needing a diaper change, one or the other needing held or comforted or rocked... the list could really go on and on.  I wouldn't change those thirty-six months for anything.  I really wouldn't.  When I was in the middle of it I don't think I realized how consumed I was.  I was just a young mom, with young babes doing what had to be done.  Of course it was challenging, but it was what I wanted to be doing, and really I didn't think about doing anything else.  2013 brought a bit of a reprieve from the baby days.  Sure, Eliza was still little, but having Stella begin to transform into this much more independent little human was such a big help.  And thanks to having a big sister to keep up with, Eliza seems to have matured as quick as can be.  Suddenly I realized I wasn't in that place I had been for what felt like so long.  I could do more than just think about getting a few hours of sleep each night, or making homemade baby food.

And so in 2013 I did just that.  I found more of myself in things that weren't my children.  Of course they continued to shape me every single day, but I also found parts of me that enjoyed exercise, getting out of the house more, and even working.  

I began attending a gym where I could take my children and leave them for an hour each day.  No more waiting until 8:00 pm when Ryan got home to try and drag myself out the door and to a work out.  I was able to get up early, attend classes, and push myself in ways I hadn't before.

Prior to last year, I always thought about working again someday.  In some ways I never thought it would happen, because truthfully I didn't know if I wanted it to.  After three years I was lacking confidence in my professional skills, and certainly wasn't ready for a full-time situation.  Then one day I was casually looking at possible job options when one stood out.  Two weeks later I had a job, and I was scared to death.  Working at the hospital for those three short months taught me so much about myself.  The people I worked with and the ways in which I was able to use my brain empowered me and helped me to feel more confident in many areas of my life.  It gave me the courage I needed to come to Idaho and create another great job for myself, one that is a perfect fit for my family and that allows me to do things like help others in the community and write on a somewhat professional level.

2013 also brought a heartache that will never fully go away.  For most of last year I wasn't ready to add to our family.  I was scared of what that would mean, and I was getting comfortable in our new normal of two fairly independent children.  And then one day it clicked, and I knew I could do it and, more importantly, that I wanted to do it.  And soon enough it was happening: another baby would be joining our family.  Just as quickly as it came it was gone and with it so was a larger piece of my heart than I care to admit.  The end of 2013 was a difficult and dark place for me.  I can slowly feel myself rising out of the  sorrow, and it feels good to have hope for the future again.

Stella has grown and changed so much over the last year.  She is a sweet soul who always wants to please us.  While she is very grown up in many areas, she still struggles with the independence that comes with every day things.  To me it seems that she is already somewhat of a perfectionist, and if she feels that she won't master some skill or complete some task perfectly, then she doesn't want to try and gets frustrated very quickly.  We are constantly encouraging her to try again, or to do it just once on her own.  

She loves her activities, and would be involved in something at all times if we allowed.  Every single day she asks where we are going and what we are doing.  For such a little girl, she already has quite the agenda with preschool, dance class, and swimming lessons.  She is still begging to start gymnastics, but life is just too crazy right now.  

2013 brought Stella Rose first days of school, the ability to write her name, and a chance to meet her beloved princesses at Disneyland.  Every single day it is a joy to watch her grow into the little lady she is meant to become.

Watching these sisters gives me hope for the world.  The way they love each other is hard to describe, but it fills my heart to capacity each and every day.  They truly are the best of friends, and I dread the day when that fact may change. I mean I may have cried my eyes out in Frozen thinking of my two girls ever having to be kept apart for some reason. Stella is her sister's keeper, and Eliza couldn't adore her role model more.  They take care of each other, they drive each other crazy, and they forgive and forget in the blink of an eye.  Sometimes I forget that play dates are still a good idea, because they entertain one another so well.  They are my favorite little friends.

Every day they drive me to the edge of insanity, and every day I fall asleep thinking that even if they are the only ones I ever get, my joy can and will be so very full.

The most physical change can be found in little Eliza.  At the start of 2013 she was a mostly bald, barely walking little babe.  Now she has more hair than we know what to do with and can carry on a conversation as well as the next person.  Her calm demeanor has evolved into a spitfire personality, and most of the time all we can do is laugh at her crazy antics.  What her older sister lacks in independence, Eliza makes up for ten fold.  She has to do everything herself, and I have resigned myself to the fact that things must be done on her schedule and with her help forever more.

She has given up the binky, keeps entertaining the idea of potty-training, and most nights sleeps next to her big sister on the trundle bed.  She is in every way possible no longer my baby, and yet she will always and forever be my baby.

As we begin 2014, so much is different and yet so much is the same when it comes to our little family.  Last year brought many adventures for the four of us and we enjoyed almost every moment.  We loved visiting the beach in California, the pines of Island Park, the cabin in Bear Lake, and the paradise that was Mexico.  We said goodbye to another home, and to more people who captured our hearts and became lifelong friends.  We began enjoying the perks (and miles) involved in living only two short hours from our families.  It is a change that has been so wonderful and so different at the very same time.  For the last six years of our lives we have been so dependent on our friends.  They have been our families, our babysitters, and the people who filled up those days that just needed a little bit of company.  While we love our new home and the people we have met here, we can feel that those unique and deep friendships may now be a thing of the past.  With family visits occurring at least twice each month and busy weeks resulting in weekends where we crave family movie nights and comfy pajamas, our dependency on those close friends is changing.  Being closer to our families is always what we wanted, and we knew that it would change the dynamics of other relationships, but I don't think we realized how much we would miss it.

2013 brought us to Idaho, a place where we might just stay for a very long time.  The feeling of being settled is an exhilarating, frightening feeling.  For so long we have been taking steps towards this place, this final stop on our journey.  The last six years have been full of weekend adventures and airline miles, and knowing that those days are over makes me a little sad.  I can feel life shifting to a new normal, a normal full of dance lessons, field trips, work meetings, and weekends spent with family celebrating baby blessings and baptisms.  It's a life full of good things, and the it's the life we always wanted and imagined, but I can't help but mourn what feels like the more adventurous life we are leaving behind.

I haven't felt like making many goals this year.  Probably because the only thing I can think of wanting to accomplish is growing a child in my womb.  But I think the biggest goal I have for the next 365 days is to embrace the wonderfully ordinary moments that come day in and day out and make up this lovely life I am blessed to live.