Our whirlwind weekend is now over.
30 hours of traveling, 18 hours of sleeping, and 24 hours of partying has officially taken it's toll: 2 kids happily visiting dreamland in bed, a husband asleep on the couch at 8 pm with a brand new cold, and myself wondering why I didn't accomplish anything today except a shower and a trip to the grocery store with no make up on.
The short time we were actually awake and not flying on an airplane or driving in a car was spent thinking and laughing and crying some, too.
I thought a lot about love, loss, and what it means to be a family. I laughed at and cried a little about those same things.
I am not sure that all that thinking (or crying) brought me anything profound, but I was reminded that love is an amazing thing.
One's capacity to love is great. We can love things, we can love places, but most importantly we can love people.
One's capacity to love is great. We can love things, we can love places, but most importantly we can love people.
And we each have the ability to love many, many people in many different ways.
And sometimes, even when it is forced upon us by circumstances beyond our control, doubt and sadness can be replaced with even the smallest seed of love that will undoubtedly grow into something real and strong.
I was reminded that sometimes love is so tangible.
I can feel it when I tickle my little girl's back until she falls asleep or as my husband gently squeezes my hand during a hard moment; I hear it when I listen to my 74 year old grandfather give my mother a father's blessing of peace and comfort; and I see it as I watch Stella's new cousins dote on and care for her every chance they get.
I was reminded that sometimes love is so tangible.
I can feel it when I tickle my little girl's back until she falls asleep or as my husband gently squeezes my hand during a hard moment; I hear it when I listen to my 74 year old grandfather give my mother a father's blessing of peace and comfort; and I see it as I watch Stella's new cousins dote on and care for her every chance they get.
When it comes to loss the bottom line is that it hurts.
Loss is painful and debilitating and almost always unfair.
Each person attending that wedding knows loss.
We each knew that we would not be there together if the choice was ours, and our losses were close to the surface that day.
Those losses also united us.
We cried, but we cried together and it felt right that we could do just that.
I know that together we are going to move forward as this newly created family.
We are going to continue to miss the ones not here, but we are going to embrace the ones that now are.
I read somewhere recently about the differences between thinking that "everything happens for a reason" and "everything that happens has a purpose."
You hear the first sentiment often when something tragic and unexplainable happens in life, but when that tragedy is your dad or mom or your baby dying it is hard to find a reason great enough to justify such pain.
I like the second thought a little better. It seems to pull my mind forward and to motivate me to actively make the choice to find something good and beautiful in a situation that is hard and unfair.
I know that together we are going to move forward as this newly created family.
We are going to continue to miss the ones not here, but we are going to embrace the ones that now are.
I read somewhere recently about the differences between thinking that "everything happens for a reason" and "everything that happens has a purpose."
You hear the first sentiment often when something tragic and unexplainable happens in life, but when that tragedy is your dad or mom or your baby dying it is hard to find a reason great enough to justify such pain.
I like the second thought a little better. It seems to pull my mind forward and to motivate me to actively make the choice to find something good and beautiful in a situation that is hard and unfair.
And then there is family.
What is greater than family? If there is something I have yet to find it.
The support I felt from my family this past weekend was all consuming.
It was not easy for many people to sit in that building and watch my mom marry another man.
It wasn't easy for me to do that.
But they were there.
They drove many miles, cried many tears, and did it all to support each of us.
I wish Jace could have been there. I feel that he should have been there.
He gave his blessing for my mom to move forward with out him there, but his absence was felt.
It is hard for me to think that every single one of my cousins was present to witness the events that day, but he was not.
My family looks different now.
There are lots of sisters, lots of kids, and lots of emotions that I never hoped to experience in this life.
My friend and I were discussing how my much has changed since we moved to Ohio for school.
So much about who I am is different from that summer when we packed up our lives and headed eastward to follow our dreams.
I have two beautiful daughters I get to raise; my sweet dad is no longer here on earth; and my mom will soon be living in a new house with a new man who she now calls her husband.
And even though almost nothing is how I imagined it would be, I know that I am blessed.
Because the bottom line is there are a lot of people who love me and who I get to love back each and every day.
The support I felt from my family this past weekend was all consuming.
It was not easy for many people to sit in that building and watch my mom marry another man.
It wasn't easy for me to do that.
But they were there.
They drove many miles, cried many tears, and did it all to support each of us.
I wish Jace could have been there. I feel that he should have been there.
He gave his blessing for my mom to move forward with out him there, but his absence was felt.
It is hard for me to think that every single one of my cousins was present to witness the events that day, but he was not.
My family looks different now.
There are lots of sisters, lots of kids, and lots of emotions that I never hoped to experience in this life.
My friend and I were discussing how my much has changed since we moved to Ohio for school.
So much about who I am is different from that summer when we packed up our lives and headed eastward to follow our dreams.
I have two beautiful daughters I get to raise; my sweet dad is no longer here on earth; and my mom will soon be living in a new house with a new man who she now calls her husband.
And even though almost nothing is how I imagined it would be, I know that I am blessed.
Because the bottom line is there are a lot of people who love me and who I get to love back each and every day.
12 comments:
Thought about you during the weekend. Wow reading through this post brought back so many feelings and memories. You express perfectly what it's like.
You're such a beautiful person on so many ways and to boot you're a beautiful writer:)
I've been thinking about you. Phew, you did it! You made it. I know that was an emotional weekend for you, but I'm proud of you :) I'm glad you were all able to come closer together through the emotions of loss you both have felt. You are a strong girl, and are such an example of having a testimony through trials/life difficulties. Love to you Taryn.
Taryn, I know this is sort of weird, since we never really knew each other. I found your blog a while back, through a fellow USU Bookstore employee - Ashley Hilton, I think. I just have to say that your posts about your dad are really touching. My dad passed away from cancer in 2006 and in a weird way it's just nice to know that I'm not the only one going through these kinds of things... even years afterward. You have a way of writing about it that's comforting - so thanks.
what an emotional weekend! Taryn, you are amazing and a beautiful writer! I loved living by you in ohio and miss you very much!
thinking of you...
wow. i dont think any of us could have said it more beautifully. every little bit of what you said is truth for me too. i love you so much. i am so grateful to have such a wonderful sister. now i have 5 of them! whew! :) poor jace! mom looks sooo beautiful in that last picture!
Wow. Beautifully written.
You are insanely eloquent. So glad you sat by me during dinner so we could chat. I just wish it was during a longer time frame, such as an overnighter in sheer, $2, thermals while playing ninja in the mountains. Love ya.
You're a gem, Tar. Your family is lucky to have you as a wife, mother, daughter, sister, cousin, etc. You put things perfectly and you really do find the beauty in situations even when it's hard. Thanks for being an amazing example. Love you lots.
What a special post. I loved reading it. You are a gifted writer, Taryn! I love the quote about "things happening for a reason vs. purpose." I love the picture of your mom holding your sweet (and beautiful) baby girl.
You're so awesome Taryn. Someday I hope to be just like you. :) I seriously mean that. You have a way of saying things so perfectly and you are always so positive and optimistic. I love that about you. Anyway, enough of the mushy stuff... wouldn't that be SO AWESOME if both of our husbands got a job in Montana?? I'm really crossing my fingers!!
I really admire your strength Taryn through such difficult trials. It is really hard to pull optimism out when you also feel such overwhelming sadness and you always find a way to do so. I hope to find that kind of strength while going through the things the Lord see's fit for me to go through. I look up to you and the person that you are. I hope you are able to enjoy your cruise coming up and get to enjoy PR for the little bit that you're here. It really is a beautiful island.
Made me cry. You're amazing. Thinking about you guys!
Chelsea Davies
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