I'm a Sucker for $10 Sweaters and Other Truths...

Let's face it, money is tight around these parts. 

It stresses me out to think about our finances, so much so that I often worry myself into a state of utter nausea and anxiety.  And even if it's not that bad my type-A personality makes me believe it is that bad.

But then, on a dreary day spent perusing the mall I still find myself handing the cashier my beloved twenty dollar bill to pay for a beautiful sweater that I don't really need, but merely can't pass up because it is only ten dollars.

I don't know what it is, but there is something inside me that just won't let me pass up a great deal.

Do I have a problem?

***

This week has been a little funky.

The past month and half has been a bit of a whirlwind with visitors and activities galore.

It has made what could have been a very lonely and depressing time much easier to handle, because I haven't had much time alone with my thoughts and tears.

But on Sunday, as I looked at what my planner held for this week, a sinking feeling started to build up in the pit of my stomach. 

There was  nothing there.  Nothing written in to fill my days with outings and play dates.

It didn't help that we all had a bit of a cold at the beginning of the week and of course little Stella had it worst of all.  That meant double bummer, because there wasn't much I could even try to fill my days with without sharing our lovely germs with the rest of society.

So most of our week has been spent at home.

I know days spent inside at home are something I should get used to and try to enjoy as a mother.

But with a 10 month old there aren't many activities that hold her interest longer than 0.2 seconds and that leads to a lot of her crawling around making messes and me wasting time away on the computer.

In the end it leaves us both still in our pajamas, the house still a bit of a wreck, and me feeling like a bad mom, a bad wife, and an overall unproductive member of society.

I may be being a bit dramatic, but does anyone else every feel this way?

***

I am heading home for the holidays in t-minus 14 days and could not be more thrilled.

You would think I would be sick of that family of mine after all the time we have spent together this year,  but there in nothing I am looking forward to more than taking a ride in my mom's new car and letting Stellar play with the new king of the house, my mom's dog Dodger.

I am eager to spend time with in-laws and cousins and friends, as well as some time visiting Bear Lake and my dad's grave in Arimo.

Did I mention his headstone is finished and in place?  I have only seen it in pictures and think it looks great, but I am interested to see how I really feel when I see it in person.  Having it there makes everything feel a little more final.   I don't know why it makes it feel like that, but it does.

Christmas also means talking to Elder Jace!

We have received a couple of letters from Bolivia and so far it sounds like he is a bit shell shocked to say the least.

He is in a very small, very poor town outside of Santa Cruz where I am pretty sure he is one out of a handful of people who speak English.  His companion is a native Bolivian and wouldn't be counted with the few who do speak English so needless to say Jace will be learning the language fast!

All I know is I could have never gone on a mission.  I would not have survived one day in a foreign land on my own like that.  Ryan on the other hand is severely jealous and I fear would trade places with Jace in an instant if he could.

***

Obviously I had nothing profound to say today.

I know real life isn't book clubs and craft groups and play dates all day everyday, and I am trying to find my own ways of dealing with life at home.  Don't get me wrong, I really do love it, but I guess I am just trying to figure out what else makes me happy.  What else can I do to grow and learn and challenge myself and this little brain of mine.

I am on the search for passion and some days I fear I may never find it.