A Wandering Mind

I sort of feel like my mind is going in 800 different directions tonight.  What else is new, right?

Tonight I am wondering what this boy might be doing...

So far no word from the Elder, but I can't really say I am surprised.  I wonder if he is loving the the MTC or if he is already exhausted from learning about the Gospel, learning Spanish, and learning how to live away from home all at the same time.  I wonder who his companion is and if they are getting along, although I am sure they are because Jace can get along with anyone.  I miss him.  But in a good way.

My mind can't help but wander to thoughts of this guy:

I wonder what he is doing right now?  I know that he is busy.  That he is serving his own mission and sharing his enormous testimony with everyone he is meeting on the other side.  But I wonder if he is thinking about me.  I wonder if he misses me.

I wonder what he looks like.  I think he looks a lot like this picture, but I am just not sure. I want to see what Heaven looks like so I can picture him in it. I just want to know everything!  Mostly I just miss him.  A lot.  And unlike my longing to see and talk to Elder Hansen it isn't really in a good way.  Mostly a sad way.

I have also been thinking a lot about this girl:

Her name is Hermana Bickley, or as we call her, Alice.  She is also a missionary, but she is serving in Spain.  She is my cousin.  Our moms are actually twins so basically we are sisters.  Which I could really say about all of my cousins, because we are just really that close of a family.  And it is the best thing ever.

Anyways...my aunt forwards all the emails she writes and I haven't seen one in a bit so I guess she has been on my mind because of it.  Allie was in Spain when my dad passed away.  She knew there was a strong possibility that my dad wouldn't be here when she got back and that was not an easy thing for her.  Like I said, we are a really close family. My aunt tried really hard to get Allie word of my Dad's passing through her Mission President's wife so she didn't have to read it in a letter.  Well long story short she found out in a letter.  But before finding out she had a choice experience with my dad that I think has helped bring her a lot of comfort so far from home.

I guess I am just hoping that she is continuing to find the comfort and peace she needs to continue her work as a missionary in Spain.  She is doing wonderful things there and we, as a family, could not be more proud of her. 

Tonight I am also thinking about this place:

A lot of my family is in Island Park this weekend and I am really wishing I was there too.  I feel like I need to get used to not attending every family function again.  Boo.

It is also the first trip without Dad.  I hope everyone is dealing with that fact okay.  He loved Island Park and it brought him a lot of peace.  His last trip was only a couple of weeks before he died.  It is a trip that will hold a special place in each of our hearts for the moments we had with him and the conversations that took place.  We left that trip knowing we would all be okay no matter what happened, because we had each other.

I hope my mom is doing okay.  The last however many trips to Island Park were not made with fewer than two vehicles, a fifth wheel, 25 prescriptions, a motorbike, a fridge full of food, 25 blankets, a sick husband, and at least 2 children.  This trip consisted of herself and Taigen.  A cooler of food and a few blankets probably made it in the car as well, but over all the packing went a lot quicker I am sure.  It is a big change and I hope that a few less bells and whistles doesn't mean less of a good time for her and my sister.

I have been thinking a lot about this place too:

Columbus, Ohio.  We have lived here now for over two years, and what a two years it has been.  Those first couple of years were awesome.  The start of a new adventure, the opportunity to travel and visit new places, new friends, and the need to rely more heavily on one another.

After Stella was born was the first time I really started to feel homesick.  Of course I missed my family before that, and there were a lot of times I wished I could have been home with them to laugh, cry, work, or play.  But I always returned to the knowledge that Ohio was where we were supposed to be.  My dad was always good at reminding me of this.  When I would feel sad or guilty for missing a big event or just not being there for the day to day struggles he would simply reply, "You guys are where you need to be."  And I always believed him.

But after spending nearly all summer out west with my family and now trying to deal with the grief I feel away from them I am having a hard time finding the purpose in my being here.  Of course I know if we weren't here Ryan couldn't go to school, and of course first and foremost I would chose to be by his side.  But I just can't help but feel a little lost here right now.  I think it all goes back to timing.  More specifically, the Lord's timing.  Why did my dad die now, when I am living 1800 miles away from the people who bring me the most comfort and just one month before my brother left on his mission?  Why now?

I don't think I will truly know the answer to that until much later and in a much more sacred place.  Of course the Lord's timing is specific and inspired, which brings me some comfort.  And if we were going by my timing my dad would never die.  But he would still be suffering and I wouldn't want that either.

When I think back on all of the times that my plan was overridden by His plan I realize whole-heartedly that He knows so much better what is best for His children, and in particular what is best for me.  And I know that in two years when we are leaving this place I will have a better idea of why we were here, when we were here.

It is sort of like I just moved here all over again.  In a way I just need to re-adjust to being an Ohioan and living my life here.  I am sure that sounds weird, but I really feel like I haven't lived here for almost 3 months.  I know that I have to do my part in allowing myself to feel content here again.  And starting right now I am going to try to do just that.

Hello, Ohio.  It is nice to see you again.