Moving Forward

Pretty much every day since my dad passed away I have looked the driver of the car behind me at the stop light, the lady next to me in the grocery line, or the man walking his dog down the street and thought to myself, "How can they just be going on with their daily life like nothing has happened? Don't they realize that my life has totally and completely changed? Do they realize that my dad just died?"

But of course they don't know. And of course they are continuing with the mundane activities of life. And just like them I am trying to do the same. But all the while I am thinking of my dad and wondering when I am going to wake up from this dream that has become my life.

In a way I keep thinking that I will mourn for a day or two longer and then it will be done. Another thing checked off my list and placed in the back of my mind. But then I remember that my grief is deep and it is real. That I will feel a lot of sadness, possibly a little anger, and maybe even a bit of confusion for the rest of my life. Don't get me wrong, I have and still do feel an amazing amount of peace. But many moments out of the day are still spent questioning just how I should be feeling and just how long it will be until I feel something completely different.

All the same life continues to move forward. And it should. I know Dad wouldn't want it any other way.

My dad's basketball girls painted the big rock in front of the high school the week of his funeral. It meant a lot to see such a small, but significant tribute to a wonderful man.

One of the most wonderful signs that life is moving forward is marriage. Remember that wedding I was so sad to be missing? Well, I didn't miss it after all. I guess Dad knew I really wanted to be there. And being there, in the temple, was the perfect way to break up a stressful week that went a little like this...Tuesday: Viewing (just lasted a quick 4 hours); Wednesday: Wedding; Thursday: Funeral; Friday: Reception. Yep, life just kept on going.

Life isn't just moving forward, it is moving fast! Ryan continues to work hard at school and has finally caught up after missing an entire week to be with Stella and I in Idaho. He returned to Ohio last week to find an important piece of mail waiting for him. One big, deep breath and four little letters later we are happy to announce that Ryan PASSED boards with flying colors! That means he can continue working on patients in the clinic and won't have to worry about that awful test again for another two years!

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I am sure my Mom (and myself) wouldn't mind if the next three weeks slowed down a bit. Three weeks from yesterday Elder Hansen reports to The Missionary Training Center. He will be taught in Provo for three weeks and then will be off to Peru for the following six. After that he will make his way to Bolivia where he will do amazing things over the next two years.

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One sure sign that the days are not slowing down is this little gal:

After depriving her long enough we finally gave the babe some real food. It was supposed to happen two and a half weeks ago, but we had a few snags in our life plan. She sure seemed to think it was worth the wait! She devoured her first taste of peas and would have eaten the entire blender full of green mush if I would have allowed. I could not be more thrilled that, as of now, my baby loves to eat vegetables!

I just can't believe how fast she is growing up. It doesn't help that she thinks she is such a big girls and wants to be moving ALL. THE. TIME.

But a little restlessness is just fine with me, because I honestly have such an amazing baby. The weekend we spent waiting for Dad to pass away was stressful to say the least, but Stella was an angel! I know it was a sweet blessing for me from our Heavenly Father at a time when my mind was not as focused on my daughter as it should have been. I am so thankful to Him and to all the amazing grandparents, aunts, uncles, and cousins who helped make the hardest moments of my life a little more bearable.

Stella has brought us so much joy over the last six months, but the light and goodness she has brought each of us over the last two and a half weeks is priceless.

I can't believe she has been here for half of a year, but then I can't really believe that is all it has been either.

She is the light of my life and is making it so much easier for me to take those essential steps forward, even if they only come one baby step at a time.