Dear Dad

As many of you have heard my sweet dad passed away last Sunday. Thankfully Stella and I were able to rush home and be with him for nearly two days before the end. He struggled long and hard and did so with so much courage and dignity that it is really hard to put into words just how I feel about him. Right now it all still feels like a dream, but personally I feel a lot of peace. I know there are going to be good days and bad days, happy days and angry days, days that pass quickly and days that can't seem to pass quick enough. But right now I know without a doubt that he is happy. That he is pain free. That I will see him again. And I need to write that down so that on days when I am not so sure I can remember how I felt when I was as close to the Spirit and my Savior as I have ever been in my life.

Recently, Kyrsten started making a book for my dad that was a compilation of pictures and letters from his wife, children, parents, brothers, sisters, in-laws, nieces, and nephews. Unfortunately we didn't have time to get it completely finished yet, but the memories and heartfelt messages we now have to treasure are utterly priceless. Because I am not sure how else to say it I thought I would share the letter I wrote to him. He was able to hear this himself and I hope he knew how much I meant every word.

June 10, 2010

Dear Dad,

When someone has been a part of your life for it's entirety it can be hard to come up with the words to describe the feelings and memories associated with them. That seems to be the case whenever I attempt to express to you or mom the immense love and respect I have for each of you. But then I get started and every memory instantly brings back a rush of feelings and sights and sounds and smells of times of joy, fun, spirituality, learning, fear, and even sorrow. And allowing myself to relive each moment reminds me that I don't tell you nearly enough how much you have taught me and how much I love and respect you. Hopefully I can do so a little better this time.

Did you know that some of my favorite memories involve you fondness for surprises? Some of the best include giving us Chancey, surprising us with a Nintendo 64, and taking us on a trip to Disneyland. I clearly remember the night we got Chancey and how you made a big fuss about the apparent "mess' we had left in the downstairs bathroom. We quickly made our way to the basement sure we had already cleaned up said mess, but following your orders all the same. How surprised and excited we were when we opened to the door to find the cute little puppy we had been eyeing sitting in mom's arms!

Speaking of that Disneyland trip...could you be anymore organized? Between the calendars you made to help us countdown the days and they typed travel itinerary you presented to four children under the age of 12, we couldn't help but get excited about every event you had planned. And that wasn't your only organizational triumph. I remember passing out more of your famous itineraries to the cheerleaders in preparation for leaving to Girls State Basketball. They may have thought it was a bit intense, but I knew it was merely how you did business. I know that lately you have had a harder time focusing and being as organized as you would like, but you will be happy to know I have assumed your OCD tendencies for now.

Have I ever told you that some of my favorite memories took place on Take-Your-Daughter-To-Work-Day? Do you even remember that you took this daughter to work on a few days? It seem like so long ago. all I know is I felt pretty awesome sitting at your desk and watching all the old, beautiful, mature (ha) high schoolers do their thing. In fact so many memories of my childhood involve Highland High School and dreaming of the day I could one day have my very own locker and don a red and black cheer skirt. Dreams do come true I guess :) I am glad you were a teacher and a coach. I am especially glad you were a teacher and a coach while I attended high school...even if you caught me sloughing or had to defend my rebellious roof climbing ways. Go Rams :)

I don't think I ever told you about the first time I remember seeing my dad cry. Don't worry, it wasn't because you were sad or scared or angry. I remember that you were crying because you were really happy. You were crying because in one day you were able to baptize your oldest daughter and give a name and a special blessing to your youngest. I knew you were proud of me that day. I am sure it wasn't the first time and I know it wasn't the last. Thank you for being worthy to assist my entry into The Church that day. Thank you for always being worthy to give me, my siblings, our mother, and anyone else in need Priesthood blessings. I knew each year on the ever of our first day of school you would be waiting to place your hands upon my head and bless me with the courage, strength, and dedication I needed to tackle a new school year. One of the blessings that has meant the most to me was the one you gave me the night before I married my sweetheart in the temple. I remember feeling a little sad because I wasn't sure if I would get the opportunity to receive as many of those special father's blessings anymore. But I know you have and always will be ready and waiting at anytime.

Dad, did you know that even when we were butting heads and having disagreements you were teaching me a lot about life and about myself and about listening to the spirit and about what I truly deserved in life? Oh you knew that is what you were doing all along? Of course you did. Some of those learning moments include our multiple discussions about who I was dating, why I was dating them, and what I thought would come of such a relationship. I'll admit that I didn't believe a word you were telling me. I thought I was as happy and in love as I could ever be. But I wasn't. And I am so glad you kept telling me that something better was waiting. Because he was. And I married him. And I love him.

Another one of those moments in which I was reminded that Father knows best was the day I went to American Falls Reservoir with my friends and came home with a cracked open head, two wrecked jet skis, and lots of tears. I wanted to go with my friends so bad that day and I could not understand why you didn't want me to go. I remember you gave me a plethora of excuses: I had a cold sore coming on and you threatened it would get worse (you know me and my loathing of cold sores well, but even that didn't work); you reminded me that you and mom would be out of town, but nothing was going to stop me from going and eventually you gave in. I realize now that The Spirit was telling you to keep me home. But instead your stubborn teenage daughter prevailed and although nothing life threatening occurred I learned that maybe listening to your dad who knows (and feels) a lot more than you do is a good thing. I will never forget that lesson. It taught me to trust you more as well as to trust the Spirit more. I hope I can teach my children those things too.

I remember when you were called to serve at the University. Did I ever tell you what a great experience that was for me? Our family made some of our greatest friends there and it made me excited to grow up and way to college and participate in The Church when I got there. Thank you for being worthy and willing to accept such a calling. I know you have touched many lives while serving in your multiple roles there, and the current and future students are going to miss out on so much without the example of your strong faith and unshakable testimony. Lucky for us we get to keep learning from you each and every day.

Did I ever tell you how much I enjoy being in the temple with you? I am so grateful you were there the day I received my own endowment and then again to act as a witness as I was sealed for time all eternity to my wonderful husband. It has also been so neat to be there together as our family continues to grow. Being with Kyrsten as she too participated in the endowment ceremony and again as she married the love of her life, Sam. I can't wait to go with Jace soon and then be there when Taigen gets to come. And don't worry, I know that no matter what you will always be there with us. I just have to look up.

I hope I have told you thank you, thank you, thank you for working so hard for our family. Between teaching rambunctious teenagers, coaching stubborn athletes (and dealing with their crazy parents), risking your life as an instructor for Driver's Ed, or teaching me how to mow a straight line you have always been willing to do whatever, whenever to provide for our family. And although I might have had a few woe-is-me moments when I couldn't participate in gymnastics, soccer, piano, ballet, equestrian, archery, and swimming all at the same time I truly never went without. In fact I am actually glad I couldn't' do or get whatever I wanted, whenever I wanted all the time. It prepared me for living the dental school life...okay maybe it also prepared me for REAL life! I know there have been hard moments along the way, especially as a coach. I am thankful I don't remember a lot, but I do remember people saying false, hurtful things about my dad and that made me sad. But you have handled all of the accusations and misrepresentations with dignity and class. Looking back maybe it was preparing you for the greatest trial of your life, which you continue to confront with that same dignity and class. I know it is frustrating and at times disheartening that you don't' have the energy to work as hard as you would like, but you will forever be that hard working, strong man to me.

Did you know that I am so grateful to have shared some of my greatest times of transition with you? I remember the day you moved me to Logan to go to Utah State over 6 years ago. I don't think we realized I would never again live with you or that I still would not have returned to The Promised Land (aka Pocatello). There is now way you could forget moving all my stuff up to not the first, not the second, not the third, but the fourth and final floor of Summit Hall. And then in the middle of the disaster that was my dorm room we got the call about my job interview at the Bookstore. You rushed me over and waited patiently while I interviewed and then gave me encouragement when it was over. I remember we all cried when you finally pulled out of the parking lot late that night (do you remember it was poor mom's birthday too), but you left me in good hands because Breanne was right there waiting to help wipe away my tears.

Pocatello to Logan was not our only moving experience. Do visions of yellow Penske trucks and voices of Nancy the GPS still haunt your memories? The fact that you would drive 1800 miles across the country to make sure we made it to our new home in Ohio is a testament of the love you have for Ryan and I. Thanks for such a great trip, it helped make the hard truth that I actually was now living across the country from my family a little easier to accept.

Thank you for supporting my transition from single lady to married woman with your complete blessing. Do you remember the first time you asked me if I thought I could marry Ryan? We were at the family reunion in Downata and you and I were having some casual conversation about the future of my relationship with the new boyfriend. I think I played it off, but I am pretty sure you knew I was smitten. And I was. Still am. Pretty sure a lot of the reason I love Ryan so much is that he reminds me a lot of you in so many ways. That makes him a lucky guy, but mostly I am a really lucky girl.

Of course having you here to help welcome my sweet baby girl into the world has been some of the greatest moments of all. I am sorry you had to be so far away when she was born and you couldn't hold her or talk to her right away. I wanted you to be there for every moment and felt a little guilty that my living in Ohio was cheating you of that opportunity. But thankfully we have Skype and unlimited cell phone minutes that allow Stella to be serenaded with Skidamarink at anytime. I am thankful that you stood with my husband and the other men who were present to give our little girl a name and a blessing. That was such a special day for our little family. Even if chemo brain takes over sometimes and the riddles and rhymes turn into something new and exciting I know Stella loves every minute she gets to spend with her Grandpa Scott.

Wow. That sure seems like a lot of memories even though it really isn't. This four page letter would end up being 400 if I could write down every way in which you have shaped my life and made me the person I am today. I love you so much and I am so very grateful to be your daughter. Keep fighting (and eating!!) because we still have a lot of memories to make!

I love you,

Taryn Ashley

I love and miss you so much, Dad!