Searching for Something

Lately I have been thinking a lot about trials and as I am writing this at 4 am I am thinking even more about them. Not necessarily why they come or what the end result may be, because (most days) I think I understand the answers to those questions because I know what faith is. To me faith is having an underlying sense that it will all work out in the end despite what that outcome may be. But what I haven't been able to quite identify is what gets us through that deepest of sorrows at the exact moment they are happening? What allows our faith to continue to flourish as we watch our loved ones suffer sickness and pain or as we bury our husband, child, mother, brother, or best friend or as we ourselves suffer physical and emotional stress? At that moment of ultimate despair how do we keep seeing the big picture?

It is amazing how the Lord knows our thoughts and not only can, but will answer even our unspoken prayers in the most gentlest of ways. For me the answers to those questions which have been weighing on my heart came through last months Ensign and last weekend's General Conference. While watching Conference and reading specific articles the Holy Ghost whispered important truths to my soul at a time when I unknowingly needed them the most.

In the Saturday morning session Elder Wilford W. Anderson gave a talk entitled The Rock of Our Redeemer in which he spoke of the early Saints who were forced to leave Nauvoo in the dead of winter. What a trial that must have been. To be forced to again sacrifice so much when they had already sacrificed all they possessed to get to where they were at. These noble and humble people were homeless and freezing and indeed aware of the perilous journey that lay ahead of them. But Elder Anderson expressed that although "These early Saints were indeed homeless...they were not hopeless. Their hearts were broken, but their spirits were strong. They had learned a profound and important lesson. They had learned that hope, with its attendant blessings of peace and joy, does not depend upon circumstance. They had discovered that the true source of hope is faith—faith in the Lord Jesus Christ and in His infinite Atonement, the one sure foundation upon which to build our lives." When I heard these words I knew I had found what I had been searching for. I knew what it was that was going to allow me to truly endure the worst of situations as they were actually happening. It is Hope. Because just as the Elder said it is hope that also brings the blessings of peace, joy, and an increase in faith. And that peace is what many of us are most desperate for when we find ourselves in the clutches of despair. I realized at that moment that I wanted hope, that I desperately needed hope.

But how does that hope enter our lives and stay with us as the trials continue to get harder to bear? The Scriptures and Elder Anderson answer that hope increases faith and that faith increases hope. I already know I can have faith. I believe I already have faith and have had it throughout my trials. In the back of my mind and the center of my heart I always have known it would be okay. Not that it would necessarily be okay because everything would be better, but that it would be okay because whatever happened was the Lord's will. But what I am learning is that hope comes not through a general faith, but through a specific faith in our Savior Jesus Christ and his Atonement. Through the Atonement he experienced every emotion I am feeling right now as well as every pain and fear that my loved ones are too enduring.

The Ensign article "Learning Through Life's Trials", by Larry Richman, also encourages relying on the Lord's Atonement as we endure our trials. He emphasizes that although we are quick to use the Atoning sacrifice of our Savior to overcome our sins and the trials that may be the result of our choices, we tend to forget that it is also to be used when we are faced with burdens which are not a direct consequence of a conscious action. I have faith in the Lord, because I know he understands my feelings of sadness, anger, fear, and despair because he physically felt them too. And he felt them specifically for me. And he did so because that allowed for a great Plan of Happiness. And my faith in Him and his plan bring me what I have been searching for all along. Hope.

For me, the connotation of hope is happiness and joy. When we are hopeful we are happy and we can be at peace. And right now that is what I need to feel. As I allow myself to feel hope I will allow my faith to increase and allow myself to come to know my Savior better. Like the Saints of old though my heart may be broken, but my spirit does not have to be.