Thievery

As November begins and thoughts of gratitude fill our heads, the over abundance of our blessings and joys becomes completely obvious.  We have so much, we are able to do so many things, and the love that fills our hearts is overwhelming.  Sometimes I am so good at this; so great at focusing on my blessings and my personal strengths, but far too often I find myself losing site of the things I do have and focusing on the things I don't or the person I feel I am not. 

Conference weekend was a beautiful thing.  We spent a few days cheering on our favorite team, enjoying the beautiful fall foliage, spending time with our wonderful families, and listening to the inspiration that comes from our Prophet and apostles.  Really, it was the perfect few days.  As Ryan and I drove through Logan Canyon, holding hands with our babies asleep in the backseat, I couldn't help but feel overwhelmed with the blessings in my life.   My thoughts quickly turned to a time when school, children, and jobs were simply a dream we were working toward and longing for.  We  spent many hours imagining what getting into dental school might be like, what those demanding years would entail, where we might settle when we were done, and if any little humans would be tagging along for the ride.  And then suddenly all of those dreams are a reality.  We spent an amazing four years in a place called Ohio, a place that will hold a piece of our hearts forever.  We have been blessed with two little souls whom we get to teach and learn from.  We feel like we have found our "home", we love our beautiful rental house, and Ryan has a pretty amazing job that provides for all of our needs.  During that drive, with the yellow, red, and orange colors following along; I felt nothing but gratitude and joy for the life I have.

The feeling only continued as we listened to very specific prayers be answered very directly during General Conference, spent time celebrating our sweet nephew, and explored the mountains surrounding beautiful Bear Lake.  That place and the people who I get to share it with are some of my favorite things in this life.  We are so blessed.

We returned home to our sweet, happy life recharged and ready to take on whatever was ahead.  Sadly, it didn't take long for life to start losing that luster it so clearly held only a few days before.  I soon found myself looking on the Internet or talking to friends and doing that thing that drags me down and robs me of that very joy I so treasure.  Call it comparison, call it jealousy, call it whatever you want; but it I am completely aware that it will be my downfall in this life if I so allow.  Suddenly that beautiful house was only a rental.   That amazing job wasn't going to make us as much money as that blogger or that friend from dental school.  My kids weren't dressed nearly cute enough every day, and what a horrible mom I was because I haven't used a real camera in almost a year.  I may be happy staying home with my daughters, but what about that degree I'm not using?  Dear friends are earning doctorates and working their dream jobs, and instead I once again gave up my place in the working world to wipe noses and read stories full-time.  I've been a member of Pinterest for four years and have never made a single craft or completed a single DIY project from any one of those twenty-something boards.  I'm certainly not eating well enough, I should care more about what I look like, and let's not even talk about my home decor that isn't nearly modern/chic/white enough.  And so it goes.

What?!  Why do we do this to ourselves?  Why do I do this to myself?  Sure, my life isn't perfect.  It's complete with sorrows, imperfections, and insecurities.  But it is so wonderful.  I have so many blessings to be thankful for, and very little to complain about.  My life may not be the same as that person who I compare myself to on the Internet, but that's okay.  The truth is, more than likely their life isn't quite as wonderful as we think.  Their kids sometimes don't match, their homes are sometimes a mess, and maybe they don't use their real camera as much as they want to either.  And in the end, none of that frivolous stuff even matters.  It doesn't matter what everyone else is doing, or what anyone else thinks.  All I can do is my best, and be thankful for the good that comes from trying.  It's such a beautiful life, and it is so frustrating to me how easy it is to forget.  I can not, and will not, let the good, beautiful, and triumphant moments of others diminish my joy.