Hope and Gratitude

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I was going to have a baby on July 24, 2014.  After weeks of anticipation, we saw that ever so hoped for positive pregnancy test.  We were thrilled and in that instant the planning began.  Our first doctor appointment and ultrasound were scheduled for the week before Christmas, putting me 10 weeks along right in time to surprise our families with the good news on Christmas day.  We figured we would wait a little longer to tell the rest of the world, maybe even long enough to find out the gender.  I thought Valentine's day would be the perfect time for the "big announcement", and the wheels were already turning with ideas for a creative and clever surprise.  For a week everything was perfect, exciting, and happy.  And then just as quickly everything began to feel not quite right, and things that shouldn't be happening started to happen.  For several days we wondered what was ahead.  We prayed, we cried, we hoped, and we feared.  Yesterday our fears were confirmed with the news that it was a miscarriage.  It has been as emotionally painful as I ever thought it would be, and physically even more so.  We are sad, but we are at peace and have hope.  While this could have been so much worse in so many ways, I know it is something that will have an everlasting affect on my heart. Somehow, somewhere miscarriage became this taboo topic that no one ever discusses.  Maybe it is because of the pain, maybe because of guilt, or even feelings of shame.  I'm not exactly sure, but I don't want to forget this experience.  Some of the pain and fear I could live without, but I am not ashamed of this experience and I pray that I will learn from it. We have been so blessed in our efforts to have a family, and I hope this experience will provide me with a stronger sense of empathy for those people I know who have had or will have a miscarriage or other problems with fertility.  I hope I can learn patience through this trial.  More specifically patience with the Lord's plan and His timing.  It is hard to think about waiting to try for another baby, waiting for another positive pregnancy test, and waiting to hold that sweet, fresh from Heaven baby in my arms, but I have faith that those days will come.  Most of all I hope I don't forget the gratitude this experience has allowed me to feel and that I have held tight to in some of the hardest moments.

What a gratitude I have for my sweet children.  It is as if I am looking at them with new eyes.  What an amazing blessing they are in my life.  I look at them and think how miraculous it is that they are here, that every little thing that had to go right to get them here did just that.  How lucky I am to have two perfect little girls who are thriving when so many odds were against them.  They are bringing perspective, peace, and joy to this situation, and I love them more than I will ever be able to express.

I am so grateful for my husband.  He is a man of few words, and even fewer emotions, but I know this experience is just as difficult for him.  Yet he has been my rock.  He has provided the comforting words, gentle touches, priesthood power, and selfless service that were so needed during this difficult time.  He is a good, good man and I am so grateful we get to navigate this journey together, even if he has to carry me through a good portion of it.

Above all I am grateful for my Savior, Jesus Christ.  I had to teach the lesson in Young Women on Sunday and, although I didn't know it then, it was a lesson I needed for myself just as much as it was for those girls.  I had decided on the topic earlier in the week, before I knew there was a problem, and I taught it at time where I still had hope that things would turn out okay.  During that lesson I begged those sweet, twelve- and thirteen-year-old girls to never feel that they are alone.  To always remember that their Heavenly Father and Savior are aware of their struggles, understand their needs, and love them beyond measure.

We read the following out of The Book of Mormon:

"And he shall go forth, suffering pains and afflictions and temptations of every kind; and this that the word might be fulfilled which saith he will take upon him the pains and the sicknesses of his people.

And he will take upon him death, that may loose the bands of death which bind his people; and he will take upon him their infirmities, that his bowels may be filled with mercy, according the flesh, that he may know according to the flesh how succor his people according to their infirmities." Alma 7: 11-12

These scriptures bring more peace and hope to my soul than anything in this world could.  As I am now experiencing and processing this loss I am grateful for the inspiration I had to teach that lesson.  To share those words and to have the spirit bear witness to me of their divine truth. I have felt my Savior succoring me over the past few days and I have felt him do it before.

We also read these words by Elder Holland:

"So how do you best respond when mental or emotional challenges confront you or those you love? Above all, never lose faith in your Father in Heaven, who loves you more than you can comprehend. As President Monson said to the Relief Society sisters so movingly last Saturday evening: “That love never changes. … It is there for you when you are sad or happy, discouraged or hopeful. God’s love is there for you whether or not you feel you deserve [it]. It is simply always there.” Never, ever doubt that, and never harden your heart. Faithfully pursue the time-tested devotional practices that bring the Spirit of the Lord into your life. Seek the counsel of those who hold keys for your spiritual well-being. Ask for and cherish priesthood blessings. Take the sacrament every week, and hold fast to the perfecting promises of the Atonement of Jesus Christ. Believe in miracles. I have seen so many of them come when every other indication would say that hope was lost. Hope is never lost. If those miracles do not come soon or fully or seemingly at all, remember the Savior’s own anguished example: if the bitter cup does not pass, drink it and be strong, trusting in happier days ahead."- Jeffrey R. Holland, "Like a Broken Vessel"

Right now I am drinking of that bitter cup.  I have done it before and I know I will do it again.  It isn't what we wanted, it usually never is, but I know that it will be okay.  I will be okay and my family will be okay.  I will be strong and I will trust that the happy days are ahead.  That there will be more pregnancies, and more importantly, more babies.  I am grateful that Thanksgiving is this week and that I have even more reason to be focused on the blessings that I do have in my life.  This small moment in time has already taught me so much, and I pray that I will continue to learn from it as we move forward.  I can not deny the wonderful life I have been given, the abundant blessings around me, or the knowledge that I am never alone in my struggles.  Just as the quote encourages, I have learned that it is always better to hope than to despair.