Life Plans, Birth Plans, & Backup Plans

I am feeling a little bogged down today.

I feel like I am simply trying to stay afloat right now emotionally, mentally, and physically.

Which leads me to unload here.

There is so much about life that is unpredictable and yet I constantly find myself trying to plan my future.

In the end, however; life does what it wants to do and as much as I am actively participating in it, when all is said and done I have a lot less control then I think.

There is a lot going on in the next 50 days of my life.

My house/life needs organized in preparation for Lil Sis; there are baby showers to help throw; temple sessions to attend; friends to host from out of town; Stake Women's Conferences to speak at; two weeks in a row of husbands being out of town Monday-Thursday for school rotations; callings to be fulfilled; Halloween and all it's parties; national dental board tests to be taken (and studied for);quality time spent experiencing our last beloved Ohio fall with our soon-to-be-changing family of three; and, oh yeah, babies to be had.

Like I said, slightly bogged down.

Of course the fact that I am a little extra tired, sore, and emotional is not helping any of these tasks seem possible at the moment.

I can tell that my toddler is feeling the stress that seems to be settling over our household, and in return she is having a rough week.

I will admit my patience is extra thin and I am having a hard time dealing with the whining and tantrum throwing right now.

Just writing about it makes me cry, because I don't want to be short with her.

I don't want our last few weeks of just her and I to be a blur of tears and early bedtimes and frustrations.

I don't want her to have to experience any of the negativity that is weighing on my heart.

I also miss my dad.

I am feeling his absence so strongly these days.

Maybe it is because this dear friend lost her own great battle earlier in the month.

Maybe it is because he wasn't there last week to to be my baby sister's escort as she was honored as part of her high school's Homecoming Royalty.

Maybe it is because he isn't enjoying his granddaughter and the spunky personality she is forming.

Maybe it is because he won't ever get to hold Little Sis or stand in her blessing circle or sing her Skiddamarink.

Maybe it is because of instead of hearing my mom talk about how dad is feeling or when they are taking their next vacation I am hearing about blind dates and Single Adult activities.

Probably, definitely, it is all of those things.

Mentally I am strained from 33 weeks of dreaming about and planning out how this birth should go.

And now, in the end, it seems as if it won't be my choice anyways.

The girl is breech just like her sister was.

And while she could still turn, in my heart of hearts I don't think she is going to.  She is literally in the exact same position Stella was.

We are giving it until week 36 and then we will decide if we want to try and physically turn her or just schedule the c-section.

I don't even know if I know what I want to happen anymore.

Do I want to try and turn her (which didn't work last time), an event that can cause stress to the baby (which did happen last time) that is less likely to work because of my amniotic fluid levels (which was also the case last time) and could possibly put me into labor or create the need for an emergency c-section, both end results that would not be optimal considering 37 weeks means Ryan still has a week left of his out of town rotation, mock clinical boards to perform, and his national written boards to take.

But if I don't try and turn her am I giving up on everything I have hoped would happen for the last 8+ months?

Was switching doctors and reading books and following through with the feelings of my heart all for naught?

Or is this the answer to so many prayers, so many pleadings with my Father in Heaven that he would help guide how this birth should go?

Sometimes it feels so hard for me to distinguish between personal revelation from the Spirit and my overly-emotional, overly-analytical self.

I know in the end that no matter how she gets here, when she gets here, or why she gets here that way the most important thing is that she is here.

And right now, knowing that I will soon be snuggling and loving on a sweet little baby is what is going to get me through the next month and all the craziness and business and stress it is going to bring.

So where do we go from here?

That is the question I find myself asking right now, after I have dumped all my negative energy into the blogosphere.

Well, I can't help but think about the impending General Conference and the wonderful counsel and guidance I know I am bound to receive. 

Along with everything else I wish I was going into the weekend more prepared to receive the messages that will be given.

I know that I will still gain strength and wisdom from what will be shared, but I feel like I could use so much extra guidance right now and am afraid I am not in the right state of mind to truly receive it.

But then I remember some of the thoughts shared by President Uchtdorf and remember that I can and will walk away from this weekend feeling more confident in my abilities, more blessed in my circumstances, and more loved by my Heavenly Father.

"...wherever you are, whatever your circumstances may be, you are not forgotten. No matter how dark your days may seem, no matter how insignificant you may feel, no matter how overshadowed you think you may be, your Heavenly Father has not forgotten you. In fact, He loves you with an infinite love." Dieter F. Uchtdorf