Then and Now

Dad has been gone for one year today.

These were a few of my thoughts during those first few weeks surrounding his death, funeral, and burial.

August 10, 2010

Right now Stella and I are on an airplane bound for Columbus.

I am already missing home and the peace that radiated from my family and being there.

I wanted to record some of the feelings I have felt over the past 2+ weeks.

Driving from SLC to Poky that first night I felt so sick.  I literally was scared to go into the house where I knew my Dad was going to die soon.

As soon as I stepped in the door that fear left and was replaced by calm and peace.

For nearly two days I didn't want to leave my Dad and Mom's room.  The Spirit and peace found within seemed touchable.  It was thick and warm and could not be denied.

Yes, I felt a lot of sadness those few days, but I think even the most spiritual of experiences with death can not erase sorrow.

After he passed it was the most immediate sadness I have ever felt, but at the same moment the closest I have ever felt to my Savior, Jesus Christ.  I literally felt as if someone was placing their warm, heavy hand on my chest for the rest of that night and I have felt that same way many more times since.

I will describe the actual services later, but at the viewing I felt strong.

I shed very few tears and found the strength to help others mourn and celebrate my Dad's life.

The day after the viewing was Andrea and Brandon's wedding in the Logan temple.  I know Dad was there too and the words I heard and the visions that came to my mind brought me great peace and reassurance.

The day of the funeral was very hard knowing it was going to be the last time I would physically see Dad for a long time.  But even then the peace outweighed the sorrow and pain that I was feeling.

Now I feel like I miss him.

It still seems not real.

I feel like it is just like I have been in Ohio and haven't been home to see him for a few weeks.  But I know as we go back next week for Jace's farewell and he isn't there it is going to become more real and it is going to be hard.

Sometimes (most of the time) I don't know how to feel.

Am I being too happy?

Why am I crying now?

Why am I not crying now?

Why do I want to just sit here?

It is confusing, but I think it is normal.

I think it is grief.

Now, nearly a year from the day I wrote those things and on the anniversary of losing my amazing dad, I realize that grief is all of those things.
It is peace at one minute, tears at the next.
It is feeling angry about him not being with me, and realizing he is always still there.
We laugh, we cry, we ask why, we think we understand, and in the end we just take it one day, one moment at a time.

Today will be spent as a family minus a few key members.
Dad is in heaven, Jace is in Bolivia, and Ryan is working away in Ohio.
But together we are figuring it out and we are finding ways to remember him and miss him and honor him.

We are off to the ocean now.
To drown our tears in the waves and to send our special memories up to heaven, tied to the ends of balloons.

I miss you, dad.
I will always love you and I will always be grateful that you can continue to touch my life and shape the person I hope to become each and every day.
I am doing my best to make sure I can make it back to be with you, but I need to do better.
I will do better.