Goodbye For Now

Saturday marked two months since Dad died and on Friday I received a package from my mom filled with a giant stack of beautiful pictures that were taken the day of the funeral.  These pictures are very special to me.

I think some people might question my desire to 1- have pictures like this or 2- share them, but these pictures help me remember what a beautiful day that was.  A tremendously hard day, of course, but a day that was a perfect celebration of my dad's great life.

Last night Ryan and I decided we wanted to listen to the funeral services again for the first time.  We have the entire service recorded on a cd so we can have access to it at all times.  What a special gift that is.  So many wonderful things were said about my dad and I know that I personally walked away from that day with a greater love for him and my Savior. If you would like to listen to the service in it's entirety you can find it here.

I remember waking up the morning of the funeral feeling very sick.  I knew it was going to be the last time I was able to see my dad and I wasn't ready to say goodbye.  I still don't feel like I have said goodbye for the last time.  Each day I have to remind myself that he is really gone.

My mom's dad, Grandpa Marv, gave a wonderful family prayer before we each said our final goodbyes and closed the casket.  It was emotional, it was heartbreaking, it was spiritual.  So many emotions were felt over and over again that day.

We sang the hymn Where Can I Turn For Peace at the opening of the service.  The lyrics had been running through my mind over and over again for the past week, especially during the special moments when we were waiting for Dad to pass.  I was able to share a special moment with him late one night as I curled up next to him and sang to him.  I hope he heard and that it brought him a little comfort during those difficult last days.

The second and third verses of this hymn touched me the most:

Where, when my aching grows?

Where, when I languish?

Where, in my need to know?

Where can I run?

Where is the quiet hand to calm my anguish?

Who, who can understand?

He, only One.

He answers privately.

Reaches my reaching.

In my Gethsemane, Savior, and friend.

Gentle, the peace He finds

For my beseeching.

Constant He is, and kind.

Love without end.

I have truly felt the hands of my Savior and Heavenly Father lifting and calming my soul during the last couple of months.  I know they are ready and waiting to listen to my tears and help heal my broken heart.

 

The words and music that family and friends shared during the funeral were inspired and moving.  They used the wonderful example and man my father was to motivate each of us to become better people.  To be more dedicated to our families, to our friends, to our God.  They reminded us that the things of the world truly don't matter, but staying faithful and loving those around us unconditionally is what will bring us true happiness.

Many of the girls who played basketball for my dad over the years wore their basketball shoes with their dresses.  It was a perfect tribute to him!

Music is something that has always been an integral part of my life and of my testimony.  The music portion of the services was very therapeutic for me.  My dear friend and Uncle shared a musical number called The Test.  The song is a conversation between two friends.  One is suffering, the other is asking why?  Why does their dear friend have to suffer emotional and physical afflictions when it would be so easy for our Lord to simply take them away?  To simply make them whole.

These are questions that I have asked myself many times over the past four years.  My faith has been tried and strengthened over and over again, and now that my dad has finished his earthly course those questions remain and I think they always will.  But in the song the wise, sick friend so eloquently replies:

Didn't He say He sent us to be tested?

Didn't He say the way would not be sure?

And didn't He say we could live with Him forever more, well and whole

If we but faithfully endure

After the trial we will be blessed,

But this life is the test

I can clearly picture my dad responding the exact same way.  He knew that although what he was enduring was difficult his faith and positive attitude never wavered.  I know he is being blessed with his greatest reward now, the gift of Eternal life.

We closed the meeting by singing Come, Come Ye Saints.  The day before my dad passed away was Pioneer Day and so we sang this to him as a family.  That special moment helped us pick this song, but as we sang it at the conclusion of an amazing celebration of his life the hope found within it's words became the perfect comfort:

Why should we mourn or think our lot is hard?

Tis not so; all is right.

Why should we think to earn a great reward if we now shun the fight?

Gird up your loins; fresh courage take.

Our God will never us forsake;

And soon we'll have this tale to tell-

All is well! All is well!

My beautiful Mother and Grandmother.  What a pillar of strength and example of a true eternal companion she is.  She is amazing and I love her so much.  

This picture of Stella is so special.  She was so in tune with the emotions and Spirit that were present during this time.  I may have said this before, but she was an absolute angel from the moment we boarded the plane in Columbus until the moment we left Pocatello to come home.  I know that was a special blessing to me from my Heavenly Father.  He knew my focus was limited and that the majority of my attention was being given to my dad.  I am so very thankful for that tender mercy.

We had a balloon launch at the graveside where we each let a balloon go with a sweet memory of my dad "attached" to it.  It was an unexpected and special moment for each of us.

Amidst all the heartache and sadness, Stella truly brought us joy.  It is amazing what the love and innocence of a child can do.

I am so very thankful for the knowledge I have that my family is eternal.  That although the time we must spend without Dad is hard and a new trial in and of itself, that it truly will be but a short moment and that the time we spend together in the eternities will make up for every lost moment here on earth. 

Saying goodbye was hard.  It was the hardest thing I have done thus far in my life.  But my wonderful family and friends are buoying me up and my faith in the Lord Jesus Christ will sustain me during the darkest of moments.

All is truly well.

Pictures by Jen Hansen