The First of Many

One month down...way too many to go. Today marks the first month without Dad. It is the first of many milestones without him. Next will be the first Thanksgiving without him; the first Christmas that he doesn't attend the Hansen family sleepover; six months gone by; a year down; the first time he isn't present to meet a grandchild or see his son or daughter get married.

And to tell you the truth, it sucks.

Thinking about what he and others are going to miss out on is the hardest part. I guess that is why I shouldn't dwell on it, but sometimes that is all I can seem to think about. Sure I feel bad for myself, but my heart aches the most for everyone else that I love, namely my sweet mother, my sisters who don't get the chance for him to meet their babies, my brother and sister who won't have him physically present at their weddings, my grandmother and grandfather who must come to terms with having to bury a child.

I know that time will help heal the wounds I feel, but at this exact moment I can only think how much the last month has hurt and that I am going to feel this way for the rest of my life.

Everyone asks how we are doing. And the truth is I don't really know. How do I gage my reaction to the death of my father? What is normal? What is abnormal? What is healthy and right? What is the wrong way to be doing this?

I think that we all have our good moments and bad moments. I wouldn't call them good days and bad days yet, because so far there hasn't been a day I didn't shed at least one tear but there hasn't been a day that I haven't been able to make it out of bed either. So rather than day to day I am living moment to moment.

I feel like each member of my family is dealing with this in their own way, because we are all in such different phases of activity and decisions and life. But our bond as an Eternal family is strong and although we find ourselves traveling various paths we rely on one anothers faith and hope, and in particular my sweet brother's unselfish desire to put his entire being into serving a mission.

I was honored and humbled to write Dad's obituary. We had discussed the possibility of me singing at the funeral, but I knew my emotions would get the better of me then. Writing about the life and death of my dad wasn't particularly easy, but paper is the one place where letting my emotions spill out seems safe and easy.

***

Tony Scott Hansen, 49, passed away Sunday, July 25 at his home surrounded by his loving family after a long and courageous battle with cancer. Scott was born the third of four children on March 17, 1961 in Idaho Falls. He was raised in Pocatello and as a young man Scott attended Highland High School where he could usually be found on the football field, the basketball court, or the baseball diamond. After graduation he was called to serve in the Davao, Philippines mission where he lovingly and faithfully served the Filipino people for two years. Upon returning to Pocatello he married the love of his life, Joni Kay Gunter, in the Idaho Falls LDS temple on April 15, 1983. Scott and Joni were blessed with four amazing children, Taryn, Kyrsten, Jace, and Taigen; and were recently blessed to become grandparents. Scott graduated from Idaho State University with a Bachelor’s Degree in Business Education in 1989. After graduation he began his teaching career in Buhl, Idaho but soon made his way back to Highland High School where he influenced the lives of young people for over twenty years. Scott’s passion and love for sports led him to pursue coaching and he was fortunate to hold multiple positions coaching football, girls softball, and boys and girls basketball. For the last 17 years Scott was the head girls basketball coach at Highland and loved teaching and coaching the young women on his teams. Scott’s life was dedicated to helping young people and there are countless men and women who are better for knowing him. As an active and faithful member of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints, Scott served in multiple callings including spending over ten years serving with college students in one of the local university stakes. In October 2006 Scott was diagnosed with stage 4 colon cancer and fought that difficult battle with great grace and dignity. His example of faith and courage touched many lives and the miracle of spending the last four years with his family and friends has strengthened many hearts. Scott and his family would like to express their sincere appreciation to all those who have expressed love and compassion during the last four years; as well as to the medical professionals who have cared for him throughout his fight. Scott is survived by his wife, Joni; daughter Taryn (Ryan) Palmer, Columbus, Ohio; daughter Kyrsten (Sam) Geddes; son Jace; daughter Taigen, all of Pocatello; granddaughter Stella Palmer; parents Norman and Tresa Hansen; brothers Kevin (Sue) Hansen and Randy (Joan) Hansen; sister Kelli (Randall) Munkres; father and mother-in-law Marvin and Carole Gunter; along with many nieces, nephews, and loving in-laws. Scott is preceded in death by his grandparents. Funeral services will be held at 12:00 p.m. on Thursday, July 29, 2010, at the Highland Stake Center, 2140 Satterfield Drive with Jim Lothspeich officiating.. Due to a wedding in the family, the visitation will be held Tuesday, July 27, 2010, also at the Highland Stake Center from 6:00 p.m. to 8:00 p.m. To allow the family proper time the visitation prior to the services on Thursday will begin at 10 a.m. until 11:30 a.m. Burial will follow the funeral service at the Arimo Cemetery. In lieu of flowers, memorial contributions may be made to the Highland Foundation care of Shelley Huelsman, 1800 Bench Rd, Pocatello, Id 83201.

There is so much more I wish I would have said. Like how much he loved his family, or how much he felt peace and comfort at the cabin in Bear Lake or among the pines in Island Park. I shoud have described how much he truly loved being a grandpa to Stella and how much she loved him in return. I wish I could have better portrayed how funny he was, how caring he was, how perfectly wonderful he was.

A sweet friend here in Ohio gave our little family a beautiful picture of Christ today. The picture itself is inspiring, but the card that was attached touched me even more. She spoke a great deal about the Savior in her note and how he knows me and my struggles. But my favorite part was when she said " He is also with your dad and they both probably talked about the amazing daughter of God you are." While I don't know if I completely live up to that title, I will always cherish the picture those words painted in my mind.

I am grateful for the knowledge that I have. I am so blessed to know where dad is and that he is only doing good in his new home. To know that he is happy and healthy and strong. And most importantly that I will be with him again, forever. That although a lifetime without him seems unbearable at times, an eternity in his embrace will be the greatest reward.

All photos by Bobbi Thomson (taken Sept 2007)