Little Girls, Little Girls

Four little girls.

We found out that baby number four is indeed girl number four over six weeks ago.  I think the reality of it has finally settled in (I feel like I've said that a lot this pregnancy).  The day we found out SHE would be the one joining our family was a day of many emotions.

Going into the ultrasound I said I would be surprised either way.  With this likely being our last baby, I would be shocked if we ended up with all girls, but would likewise be shocked if it was actually a boy this time, because, well--a boy!  My heart was a bit divided on what I actually wanted it to be.  Being a mom to all of one gender kind of puts you in an exclusive club, and I sort of love our little trio of ladies.  I wasn't sure that I was ready to be kicked out of the All Girl Club, and knowing what great friends Stella and Eliza are, it would make my heart happy to see a similar relationship between Ivy and a little sister.  But a boy would be new and exciting, and I would love for Ryan to have a son.  I really wasn't sure what I was hoping the ultrasound would reveal.

The morning of the appointment Stella had school and we dropped the younger girls at a friend's house.  The girls were so excited to learn if they were getting a sister or a brother, with Eliza voting girl and Stella rooting for a boy.  As we waited for our ultrasound I tried to get a final guess from Ryan, but as usual, he wasn't budging on his non-guessing ways.  I still wasn't sure, but had started leaning a bit more towards boy.  If for no other reason than because six years ago my cousin did that voodoo necklace test and told me I would have three girls and then a boy.  And I mean, after three girls this one just had to be a boy, right?!

The first image on the screen was the sweetest little profile I ever did see (I mean, at least in the last year), but the tech quickly went for the shot we were all hoping to see.  Instead baby had it's legs firmly crossed and wasn't about to give us a peek.  So we spent the next ten minutes taking all the other (more important) measurements, and breathing a sigh of relief at the sight of a very healthy baby.  Finally it was again time to try and get that all important picture, and while it wasn't a perfect shot, all evidence pointed to another little lady.  I looked over to see Ryan's reaction and he just sort of gave a small smile and sat back to enjoy a few more minutes of watching our baby girl dance on the screen.

As soon as the tech walked out of the room I burst into tears.  I was actually quite surprised by my reaction, but I think the reality that we may never have a son suddenly hit me.  And I was definitely crying a few tears for my sober, sweet husband.  Not that I needed to be, or that I was worried he was ruined because of this moment, but because I knew he would love to have a son.  If I were in his position, I know I would want a daughter.  And I just felt a little heartbroken that he may never get that in his life.  He loves his girls beyond measure, and they have a wonderful and special relationship.  But I know it's different than it would be with a boy, and the reality of that is okay.  

When the doctor walked in the room he looked slightly confused and asked if I was crying happy or sad tears.  I simply told him I was crying "fourth girl tears" and we all had a little laugh.

As we finished our appointment and were walking out of the hospital, we passed a woman in a wheelchair who had no legs and no arms.  While I am sure she has a wonderful life, it was just what we needed to put the events of the past hour into perspective.  Our baby had two arms, two legs, and a healthy heart. The tears still continued on and off throughout the day, mostly when I looked at my sweet husband, but I also couldn't help but feel overwhelming gratitude for the healthy child we were being blessed with.

We made a quick trip to the party store to purchase a bouquet of pink balloons, and prepared to surprise the girls with the news of their baby sister.  Somehow we were all wearing blue this day, perhaps subconsciously hoping to influence the results.  But instead of blue, five pink balloons floated out of that box to the cheers and squeals of three big sisters. The video we have of their reactions will be treasured forever, and I wish I knew how to post it here for all to see.

So here we are, only a few months away from welcoming our newest little miss to the world.  Tonight I watched my oldest girls playing princesses and discussing Barbie movies in their favorite princess nightgowns.  There is a lot of talk in the world about the influence of princesses and pink, and all things gender specific.  At our house there is an abundance of all of those "questionable" things.  We will soon have four little girls, and that means there are a lot of tutus, Barbies, tiaras and lip gloss in every drawer and closet of the house. Sometimes I worry about how these things and the common, unfair stereotypes girls face will end up effecting my sweet girls.  I don't know if I am doing it right, letting them be exposed to all things girl, all the time, but I do know that they are happy.  These simple things bring them joy, and while they may enjoy one Barbie movie too many, they also enjoy books and art and legos.  They like to ride bikes, jump on the trampoline and dig in the dirt.  And most importantly they are happy, brave, kind, amazing little girls.  I'm going to continue to have faith that Disney movies and princess toys aren't' going to ruin those parts of them that are most important, and instead continue to provide them with opportunities to cultivate those wonderful qualities--even if they are wearing a tiara while we do it.

And as for this next little sis--we already love her so much, and if she is anything like her big sisters, she is going to be more than we could have ever hoped for.