2015 was a really good year. It felt stable, and that was a nice thing. Looking back, our family experienced many wonderful firsts--like purchasing our first home (that we still love so much), first days of kindergarten and preschool for the big girls, first birthdays and first steps for the baby girl, and even surviving unexpected first trimesters. Our life sometimes felt a little chaotic, but it mostly felt really happy and simple in so many ways. Our problems were there, but they were small in the grand scheme of things, and for that we are grateful. I really liked 2015.
I made some pretty specific goals last year, and to be honest I didn't meet a lot of them. That's a disappointing thing for me to admit, but I don't think I'm alone there. I do feel like I found more joy in motherhood, and even when it was hard some days or the transition to school and schedules seemed overwhelming, I did my best to savor the really good and simple moments. I found more happiness in the days I got to spend at home without activities to rush off to or homework to work on.
Our life in Twin Falls felt more comfortable than ever before, and I love that we have finally reached the point that a trip to the grocery store or the soccer field is met with smiles and greetings from friends around the community. I have a network of mamas that I can call for a quick babysitting swap or a girl's night out, my girls have friends they love, and our ward feels like an extended family.
And now we have made it to 2016. For some reason I'm beginning this year with a bit of trepidation. In the next six months we will celebrate ten years of marriage, my 30th birthday and welcome our fourth child. I've always loved getting older and celebrating the next step, and it's not that I'm dreading those upcoming events, but for some reason I'm approaching 2016 with some apprehension. I think most of it comes from pregnancy and the idea of having four kids, six and under. I know it's going to be a year of growing for me, that is for sure, and I don't want to let the need to survive two babies overwhelm the need to thrive in our new normal. I also have a bit of heightened anxiety when I am pregnant, and I guess I just see my life as being so wonderful right now, that I am sure something terrible is coming. I've been married ten years to an amazing man and we are as happy as ever, I have a beautiful family that will likely be complete in just a few short months, and while I am getting older, I love the woman I am becoming in the process. All good things, yet all things I know can be taken from me in an instant. All it takes is one second on the road, one unexpected lump or one abnormal ultrasound. Waiting for the next unexpected trial is not a good way to live my life, so part of 2016 is letting go of the worry. Enjoy the moment without too much worry about what comes next.
I have a few, more trivial things I would love to do this year, like read more books and spend more time outside with my kids. But mostly I just want to feel peace. Peace when I think about the future, and peace while I'm living in the present.
2 comments:
I love this honest blog post! And I do think that having lost a parent to cancer makes it more "normal" to worry about the unknown and to realize how much things can change in a moment. I try to transform that worry into action--more love for my kids in the moment, more savoring what really matters--because it really could be gone tomorrow. The future will never be certain, so there's no time like the present, right? So hard for a worrier like me to internalize, but I am trying!
I also think that we both know how much trials can build us and teach us--so even if they come, they will be good. It's all part of becoming.
I love you, Friend! And I think you are doing great--more than great! Even if those specific goals don't get done, I know as a fact that you are an amazing mama (seen it in action) and you try every day to be good. That is what matters. xo
You took the words right out of my mouth! What a great way to sum up the way I want to feel-peaceful! Good luck with the upcoming birth and I hope 2016 is as awesome, if not better than, 2016!
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