Soccer Mom

I may not have any kids who play soccer (yet), but I'm officially claiming Soccer Mom status.  And you know what?  I'll wear the badge with honor.

After we learned that our car was totaled, it was time to start the lovely process of car shopping once more.  If the accident had never occurred we would certainly still be driving our Traverse and enjoying the beautiful car that she was.  And the fact that we all made it out of that accident safe and sound made me love the care even more.  But as luck would have it, we had to get a new car.  I have been fine with the idea of a minivan for quite a while- one word: practical.  My husband was not so easily convinced.  For some reason still unknown to me he is quite anti-van.  But then we drove one around as a rental for a week straight and I think he saw a little bit of the light.  That and the fact that a much smaller car payment means the possibility of a new truck is closer than ten years away, means he stopped fighting it.  In the end it was an easy and quick decision, and we have been more than happy with our little van since we bought it a few weeks ago.

Aside from driving the mom wagon, I feel like I am suddenly being thrust into yet another new season of motherhood.  For the last five years my days have been full of babies, diapers, toddlers and trips to the library.  And while it was busy and full, it was lovely.  I can honestly say there is nothing else I would rather do than stay home with my kids.  Some days are long and some seem to make me feel like a crazy person at the end, but most of those days come because I am selfish and impatient.  And that's just the truth.  It's quickly becoming apparent to me how fast this time of helping your kids grow up and getting to laugh and cry with them really goes.  It's just too fast.

Now we are entering uncharted territory.  A place where my calendar is FULL (a day I used to dream about back when it was just me, two babies, and a tiny apartment in Ohio), the amount of times I buckle and unbuckle children from car seats each day feels like it has reached 20+, and work, activities, and church responsibilities just seem to increase with each passing hour.  Three years ago I was dreaming of this life.  Longing for it, really.  I have always loved a good schedule and routine, and now here it is and I'm not so sure I am cut out for this "Soccer Mom" life.  I am exhausted and often feel overwhelmed with what didn't get done at the end of the day compared to with what did.  I know a large part of my sudden emotional roller coaster is the fact that I am eight months pregnant.  I distinctly remember feeling the same feelings of inadequacy as we prepared to welcome Eliza to our family three years ago.  And then she was born and everything went so much better than I could have ever imagined.  It was a long time ago, so I am sure there were really hard moments of adjustment as well, but right now I just remember we made it and I was as happy as I had ever been.  

Now as we prepare to welcome another sweet spirit into our home I can see that I am feeling those same fears about the future.  It's hard to feel like you can't handle life as it is, and yet you know you are just adding to the chaos very shortly.  And while I'm trying to remember how everything actually went better than I thought it would last time, this time I know we don't have those open days to recover from sleepless nights or slow days to fill with play dates to the zoo. (Play date? What's that? haha).  Instead we still have to get up for school, spend the day driving to activities and running errands, and this time around, working.  I don't even work that much and the logistics are still stressing me out.  It's always those dang logistics that give me the hardest time. 

The truth is I know I am going to look back on this post in a year and just smile, because we got through it and we are all doing more than okay.  I know so many amazing mothers who are doing so much more than me with so many more little people depending on them than me, and that gives me hope.  (And also causes a little stress, because I can't even handle this new life with two.)  For me, anticipating the future is often worse than living in it.  I imagine every worst case scenario and difficult situation, and while sometimes those things happen anyway, my imagination often leaves out the grace that I seem to receive every hour of every day that make it all okay.

I keep coming back to the idea of seasons.  Starting this motherhood journey and the time spent with two little babes at home was a season.  And a beautiful one at that.  Now we are entering the next season, one that still contains the joys and pains of little ones, but also the business of older ones.  And the thing about these seasons, is that I know they are going to go fast.  I honestly can't believe I am already here: on the verge of three kids and kindergarten.  But it's here and we will adjust and we will find grace.  Because I don't want to go through the next season (or two or three) feeling exhausted and overwhelmed.  I want to enjoy it and feel happiness, and still feel like I have time and energy to form a few thoughts on this here blog every once in a while.

General Conference landed right at the end of one of the hardest weeks I had in a while.  It was the perfect reminder of what really matters in this life, what will bring me happiness and PEACE in this life, and the things that need to happen in order for me to find joy and happiness during this next season. It was nothing that I hadn't heard before, of course, but it was just what I needed to hear right now.  

As a dear friend and I discussed today, I am going to embrace the chaos, re-prioritize my life, and not stress so much if the piles of everything taking over my house never seem to completely disappear. 

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A few of words that stood out to me the most this conference:

"Place your selfish desires on the alter of sacrifice and service." - Pres. Uchtdorf

"Nothing else, no other choice we make, can make of us what He can." - Pres. Monson

"Do the right things, for the right reasons." - Jorg Klebingat

"...she was neglecting a big part of the Atonement- Christ's enabling power.  She was forgetting all the times the savior helped her be who she needed to be and serve beyond her own capacity." - Cheryl A. Esplin

"I learned it was only through the Atonement of Jesus Christ that my prideful nature could change and that I would be enabled to do good." - Neill F. Marriott

"Sometimes in the harbor of our homes, we can't see that by the simple, consistent acts- including family prayers, scripture study, and family home evening- great things are brought to pass.  But I testify that these very acts carry eternal significance.  Great joy comes when those little boats- our children- grow into mights seafaring vessels filled with gospel light and ready to embark in the service of God.  Our small acts of faith and service are how most of us can continue in God and eventually bring eternal light and glory to our family, our friends and our associates." - Neill F. Marriott