Remembering

Memorial Day weekend was spent thinking about and talking about my sweet dad.  We were able to spend time with many of the people who knew and loved him the most, his own family.  Sometimes being with his siblings and parents is hard.  Their humor, their mannerisms- so much of who they are reminds me of him, which also reminds me that he is gone.  But at the same time being with the people who miss him and love him as much as we do makes it easy to think about him and talk about him; two things that I don't always let myself do.

My sweet baby girls spent a some time painting pots and planting beautiful flowers, and decided later that they would be the perfect gift for their Papa.  Gosh I wish they knew him like I do.  I wish I could see them playing and laughing and singing together.  

I am really missing him lately.  July brings my baby sister's wedding and the day four years ago that he left us for the rest of this mortal life.  All of those things are seeming to culminate into a reality that I can't really avoid like I want to.  I have to let myself feel the sadness and the emptiness that is still there.  I don't want to dwell on it, but sometimes I need to let myself go to those places in my heart and mind.  Because not thinking about him doesn't change anything except the fact that I remember less about his laugh, his smile or his wonderful personality.

There are days- memorial day, Father's day, weddings and holidays- that make the distance between us feel so far.  It's hard to not let those days sting so much that I am unable to see the happy memories.  But above all else, the goodness, faith and laughter that he brought to me life is what stands out.  I have to let myself remember those things.  I want to remember those things forever.