Finding Home

 

I am learning that the word home is quite arbitrary.

It can mean a place composed of four walls and a roof. It can represent deep, real feelings like belonging and familiarity.  It can be old or it can be new.  It can be a safe haven, or place where the storms of contention and anger brew.

And while often times your home is what you make of it, sometimes it is not.

 

Our search for a place to live in Montana was not an easy one.  It seemed that every opportunity and effort was met with opposition and disappointment.  It was very frustrating and only added to an already stressful time in our lives.  In the end, like most things seem to do, it all worked out.

We are renting a beautiful townhouse in a great neighborhood, and everything about it is an upgrade from every previous apartment we have ever lived in.

 

 

The walls are freshly painted, the appliances are updated, and I can even see lines when I vacuum the soft carpet each week.

There are high ceilings and big windows to let in lots of natural light, and in an instant we tripled the amount of toilets that are available for use (and cleaning).

We love our house and we are blessed to live somewhere so nice.

But while refrigerators with ice machines and fenced backyards are great, I am still struggling to feel that this place is my home.

A lot of it has to do with the fact that of the now three months we have lived here I have only been in Montana for 3 consecutive weeks at a time.  Our summer has been busy with lots of family time and lots of fun.  And while I can't say I would trade those things for living in Ohio and missing the choice of even attending such events, it is hard to feel like I have no home to return to when the parties are finished.

 

My home still feels like it is 1800 miles away, in the middle of Ohio just up the road from the beautiful river that is surely, by now, lined with orange and red leafed trees.

Home still feels like a Sunday dinner or a Saturday afternoon spent cheering on our Buckeyes with our "Ohio family".

 

I know it will take time for this new place, this new destination to feel the same way.  It took time for Ohio to feel that way.  But right now starting over feels hard.

 



 

No one knows what a difficult process starting over can be more than this kid.

Elder Hansen is home, and when I say "home" I mean it in every sense of the word.

He is back in the town that he grew up in, surrounded by the people who have always loved him so very much.

But a lot about home is different now.  Our home looks different as my mom has moved out and with her taken many of the things that were there before Jace left.  She has a new home now, and while my siblings (yes, all of them) will continue to live in our family home in Pocatello for a time, it is certainly different.

 

Jace came home to many new faces who he now gets to call family.  He came home to a pretty different life than when he left.  But we are so glad he has returned, because he makes our crazy new lives much more complete by experiencing it all right along side us.

 

This is my mom's new house.  Beautiful, yes?

I know that this starting over thing hasn't been any easier for her.

We all want it to be so easy, so natural.

Everyone wants change to be effortless and unfortunately life just isn't that way.

It hasn't been for me as I have left the student life I so thought I would be ready to leave forever (and now beg Ryan daily to take me back to).  It hasn't been easy for the freshly returned missionary (when is it ever easy for those guys?).  And it isn't easy for everyone else who has ever experienced a major change in their lives.

I am sure in a few months or a few years or somewhere down the road I will look back and appreciate my time here.

Starting over has certainly allowed me to reflect on the most important aspect of my home, my family, and how I can create the type of environment where the Spirit will dwell, my children will thrive, and peace can be found.

I think finding and building the home you desire is a never ending process.  Some points in our lives make it feel more achievable, while other times it feels like you are back to square one. 

But there are those times where I have felt like I had arrived.  I felt safe and welcome and truly at home.  So while the process may often be uncomfortable, I am sure I will find myself home again soon enough.