“To every thing there is a season, and a time to every purpose under the heaven:
“A time to be born, and a time to die; a time to plant, and a time to pluck up that which is planted; …
“A time to weep, and a time to laugh; a time to mourn, and a time to dance;
“… A time to embrace, and a time to refrain from embracing; …
“… A time to keep silence, and a time to speak” (Ecclesiastes 3:1–2, 4–5, 7)
***
I like to think that in this relatively short life I have lived I have learned a thing or two.
Thankfully, there is still much to learn and experience and new ways to grow, but at the ripe age of 24.9 some lessons have been repeated enough that I feel they should now be absolute knowledge.
One such lesson is the aspect of timing.
My personality lends itself easily to planning ahead, endless to-do lists, and day planners overflowing with predetermined events. I like to be prepared for every situation, even the ones that wouldn't actually occur in a million years. I like to map out the route I will take and the order of stores I will visit before I leave the house to run errands. I over pack in order to be prepared for any weather forecast and all types of gatherings.
I think you are getting the point.
Planning my life has been no different. Life playing itself out, however; has been.
I was going to go to go to BYU, get married after three or four years, graduate with a degree in English Education, have babies, and live happily ever after.
I went to college...at Utah State.
I always knew I wanted to "go away" for college.
There is a University located right in my hometown, but for some reason I never saw myself going there.
Of course my junior high self imagined attending school at some Ivy League institution or enjoying co-ed life on the sunny beaches of California.
When I realized what college was actually about and what it actually cost, my options and opinions became slightly less grandiose.
In the end my missionary was set to return to BYU after his service, I applied and got in, and had a deposit on an apartment paid.
Then I heard back from Utah State.
More financial aide, closer to home, and in all honesty, closer to the new boyfriend I was leaving behind.
The funny thing was I had never even been to the campus or truly considered attending the school.
My parents and I decided to make a quick trip to visit Old Main Hill, nestled against the picturesque mountains of Cache Valley. One trip around the Quad later and I knew this was the place I was supposed to be.
It felt right, it felt comfortable; but it wasn't part of the plan.
I couldn't shake the feeling of belonging, however; and a few months later I was moving into my dorm room in Summit Hall, a place that would bring greater friends than I had ever known and the opportunity to meet a very special boy.
***
I got married...only two years later.
That special boy came into my life much sooner than I anticipated, as we began dating at the end of my very first year in Logan.
Fate would have it that I was staying around for the summer; a summer that would turn into one of baseball games, late nights, and falling in love.
Sure, getting married at 19 (almost twenty!) wasn't what I had planned.
I look back now and realize just how young I really was and can't believe I actually did it.
But we found each other when the time was right and because the Lord gave us the opportunity to make decisions that would bring us together.
***
My dad got cancer...definitely not in the plans
Part of the reason, I believe, that I ended up married so young was so that I could have a partner to lean on when we so devastatingly learned my dad was sick.
Up to that point my life had been easy.
Being the planner I am I knew bad things could happen. I imagined them all of the time. But none of my nightmarish scenarios had ever come to pass and I was ever so thankful for that.
So when we heard that word, cancer, we felt and thought the worst.
It was a devastating diagnosis and I will remember the night I found out the news forever.
After seven months of marriage my dependence on my husband for strength and comfort became immeasurable.
***
I graduated...in dietetics, from a University in Ohio. Ohio? That wasn't even close to being in the plan.
Amid the marriage and sickness I decided English just wasn't for me.
I loved to write (obviously still do) and loved to read (again, still do); but someone else requiring me to do so for the next two years of my life just wasn't going to cut it.
Somehow I learned about the dietetics program and my interest was more than piqued.
I learned that it was a grueling, two year program that required an extensive application, good grades, and a face to face interview.
I also learned that it would be nearly impossible to transfer to another school, especially if I was accepted into the coordinated program.
When it came to actually apply for the program I had two choices:
Coordinated Program = internship mixed in with didactic classes and a job as soon as graduation and the national registration exam were over.
Or Didactic Program = classes and a few labs only the first two years, graduation, applying for and paying for an extra year long internship, then the exam and finally a job.
I know the Coordinated program would be the best fit for me, but I also knew there was a good chance I wouldn't be at the University much longer.
Ryan was in the process of applying for dental schools and very few had dietetics programs at all, with even less offering coordinated type programs.
In the end I applied for both, simply hoping to be accepted into one or the other. I happened to get into the Coordinated program, a blessing that I will forever be grateful for.
Six months later we found out Ryan had been accepted into dental school.
Only one school had accepted him.
A school that not only offered a dietetics program, but one with a coordinated program.
A program that was full, but happened to have one student drop out, leaving room for one incoming Senior.
The Lord was surely guiding my educational path every step of the way.
***
I had a baby...after trying for one month.
When we decided it was time for a baby we figured it would take a little while to become pregnant. Better to go in cynical, I guess? When it didn't we were surprised, shocked, but excited.
As the first year of Stella's life unfolded it became very clear to me why we were blessed with a baby so soon.
It seemed my dad's health was declining more and more with each passing day, and thankfully circumstances allowed for multiple visits home to allow him time with his only grandchild.
In the end, my dad was able to experience only six months of my daughter's life.
But he was able to experience SIX months!
If he had died three years previous like the doctors told us he would, he wouldn't have experienced any of it.
I know there are many, many families who desire children. And I know that they are all more than deserving of such a blessing. And my heart breaks for them as I hear about or watch them struggle. But my experience has truly taught me that the Lord's timing is in our best interest.
I know we were blessed to so easily have our first child when we did for my the sake of my entire family.
She has brought so many people joy in what have been, for many of us, the darkest, hardest moments of our life.
As we contemplate when we should again expand our family I can only hope that the Lord's timetable for us will be just as generous whenever that time comes. But I hope that no matter the outcome I will remember the testimony that I have gained through the circumstances surrounding Stella's life.
***
My dad died from cancer.
As a family we knew the disease was going to be hard. We knew it was going to be a fight.
But we had absolute faith that he was going to get better.
Until only a few short months before his death I honestly believed that my dad was not going to die from cancer.
He had been given six months to live nearly three and a half years prior. After that long of beating the odds there was no doubt he was going to be fully cured.
In April we learned that his treatments were going to be stopped.
The chemo was doing more harm than good.
But that still didn't mean death.
There were more options to consider, paths to follow.
But in the end the time had come.
So much had happened since that fateful day of diagnosis.
My dad experienced a daughter being married, a beautiful granddaughter be born, a son receive his mission call and then his endowments in the Temple, another daughter mature from a shy preteen into a beautiful, confident, and beyond strong young woman.
Family relationships were fortified, marriages were strengthened, new testimonies were born and old ones were cultivated and nourished.
And when all this had been done the Lord decided it was time.
Of course simply acknowledging that it was in the Lord's timing doesn't necessarily make it easier.
Knowing there is still so much to experience without him. So much time left. It is hard.
But what we all went through and how we have all grown the last four years has shown me just a few things that we all needed to learn from all of this. I know there is a lot more to still be discovered, but I am grateful that I can see some purpose to this trial.
***
This year in particular has reemphasized how little I know and how great trusting the Lord's timing can be.
And because I believe in an all-knowing, very loving God I also believe that life's events unfold on his timetable. Yes, often time agency and circumstance play a role, but in the end I have faith that a higher power with much more understanding than I have is guiding the direction I am headed.
My baby turns one tomorrow, and I guess that is what has brought about this reflection of time and understanding. I cant' believe a year has already passed us by.
But I will forever be indebted to a God who knew she was just what I , what we all needed this year.
Looking back His timing, like always, is truly impeccable.
I think you are getting the point.
Planning my life has been no different. Life playing itself out, however; has been.
I was going to go to go to BYU, get married after three or four years, graduate with a degree in English Education, have babies, and live happily ever after.
I went to college...at Utah State.
I always knew I wanted to "go away" for college.
There is a University located right in my hometown, but for some reason I never saw myself going there.
Of course my junior high self imagined attending school at some Ivy League institution or enjoying co-ed life on the sunny beaches of California.
When I realized what college was actually about and what it actually cost, my options and opinions became slightly less grandiose.
In the end my missionary was set to return to BYU after his service, I applied and got in, and had a deposit on an apartment paid.
Then I heard back from Utah State.
More financial aide, closer to home, and in all honesty, closer to the new boyfriend I was leaving behind.
The funny thing was I had never even been to the campus or truly considered attending the school.
My parents and I decided to make a quick trip to visit Old Main Hill, nestled against the picturesque mountains of Cache Valley. One trip around the Quad later and I knew this was the place I was supposed to be.
It felt right, it felt comfortable; but it wasn't part of the plan.
I couldn't shake the feeling of belonging, however; and a few months later I was moving into my dorm room in Summit Hall, a place that would bring greater friends than I had ever known and the opportunity to meet a very special boy.
***
I got married...only two years later.
That special boy came into my life much sooner than I anticipated, as we began dating at the end of my very first year in Logan.
Fate would have it that I was staying around for the summer; a summer that would turn into one of baseball games, late nights, and falling in love.
Sure, getting married at 19 (almost twenty!) wasn't what I had planned.
I look back now and realize just how young I really was and can't believe I actually did it.
But we found each other when the time was right and because the Lord gave us the opportunity to make decisions that would bring us together.
***
My dad got cancer...definitely not in the plans
Part of the reason, I believe, that I ended up married so young was so that I could have a partner to lean on when we so devastatingly learned my dad was sick.
Up to that point my life had been easy.
Being the planner I am I knew bad things could happen. I imagined them all of the time. But none of my nightmarish scenarios had ever come to pass and I was ever so thankful for that.
So when we heard that word, cancer, we felt and thought the worst.
It was a devastating diagnosis and I will remember the night I found out the news forever.
After seven months of marriage my dependence on my husband for strength and comfort became immeasurable.
***
I graduated...in dietetics, from a University in Ohio. Ohio? That wasn't even close to being in the plan.
Amid the marriage and sickness I decided English just wasn't for me.
I loved to write (obviously still do) and loved to read (again, still do); but someone else requiring me to do so for the next two years of my life just wasn't going to cut it.
Somehow I learned about the dietetics program and my interest was more than piqued.
I learned that it was a grueling, two year program that required an extensive application, good grades, and a face to face interview.
I also learned that it would be nearly impossible to transfer to another school, especially if I was accepted into the coordinated program.
When it came to actually apply for the program I had two choices:
Coordinated Program = internship mixed in with didactic classes and a job as soon as graduation and the national registration exam were over.
Or Didactic Program = classes and a few labs only the first two years, graduation, applying for and paying for an extra year long internship, then the exam and finally a job.
I know the Coordinated program would be the best fit for me, but I also knew there was a good chance I wouldn't be at the University much longer.
Ryan was in the process of applying for dental schools and very few had dietetics programs at all, with even less offering coordinated type programs.
In the end I applied for both, simply hoping to be accepted into one or the other. I happened to get into the Coordinated program, a blessing that I will forever be grateful for.
Six months later we found out Ryan had been accepted into dental school.
Only one school had accepted him.
A school that not only offered a dietetics program, but one with a coordinated program.
A program that was full, but happened to have one student drop out, leaving room for one incoming Senior.
The Lord was surely guiding my educational path every step of the way.
***
I had a baby...after trying for one month.
When we decided it was time for a baby we figured it would take a little while to become pregnant. Better to go in cynical, I guess? When it didn't we were surprised, shocked, but excited.
As the first year of Stella's life unfolded it became very clear to me why we were blessed with a baby so soon.
It seemed my dad's health was declining more and more with each passing day, and thankfully circumstances allowed for multiple visits home to allow him time with his only grandchild.
In the end, my dad was able to experience only six months of my daughter's life.
But he was able to experience SIX months!
If he had died three years previous like the doctors told us he would, he wouldn't have experienced any of it.
I know there are many, many families who desire children. And I know that they are all more than deserving of such a blessing. And my heart breaks for them as I hear about or watch them struggle. But my experience has truly taught me that the Lord's timing is in our best interest.
I know we were blessed to so easily have our first child when we did for my the sake of my entire family.
She has brought so many people joy in what have been, for many of us, the darkest, hardest moments of our life.
As we contemplate when we should again expand our family I can only hope that the Lord's timetable for us will be just as generous whenever that time comes. But I hope that no matter the outcome I will remember the testimony that I have gained through the circumstances surrounding Stella's life.
***
My dad died from cancer.
As a family we knew the disease was going to be hard. We knew it was going to be a fight.
But we had absolute faith that he was going to get better.
Until only a few short months before his death I honestly believed that my dad was not going to die from cancer.
He had been given six months to live nearly three and a half years prior. After that long of beating the odds there was no doubt he was going to be fully cured.
In April we learned that his treatments were going to be stopped.
The chemo was doing more harm than good.
But that still didn't mean death.
There were more options to consider, paths to follow.
But in the end the time had come.
So much had happened since that fateful day of diagnosis.
My dad experienced a daughter being married, a beautiful granddaughter be born, a son receive his mission call and then his endowments in the Temple, another daughter mature from a shy preteen into a beautiful, confident, and beyond strong young woman.
Family relationships were fortified, marriages were strengthened, new testimonies were born and old ones were cultivated and nourished.
And when all this had been done the Lord decided it was time.
Of course simply acknowledging that it was in the Lord's timing doesn't necessarily make it easier.
Knowing there is still so much to experience without him. So much time left. It is hard.
But what we all went through and how we have all grown the last four years has shown me just a few things that we all needed to learn from all of this. I know there is a lot more to still be discovered, but I am grateful that I can see some purpose to this trial.
***
This year in particular has reemphasized how little I know and how great trusting the Lord's timing can be.
And because I believe in an all-knowing, very loving God I also believe that life's events unfold on his timetable. Yes, often time agency and circumstance play a role, but in the end I have faith that a higher power with much more understanding than I have is guiding the direction I am headed.
My baby turns one tomorrow, and I guess that is what has brought about this reflection of time and understanding. I cant' believe a year has already passed us by.
But I will forever be indebted to a God who knew she was just what I , what we all needed this year.
Looking back His timing, like always, is truly impeccable.
9 comments:
Taryn!!! I know I've told you this a thousand times... but SERIOUSLY, you are quite the writer! You have a way of saying things so perfectly... in a way that touches so many people. Thank you for this post. I think you are amazing!
truly this post is perfect Tar. You not only have a way with words but you are gifted at pondering and finding the meaning in life. Thanks for sharing your talents with others. xoxo
Dido, you really have a way with words. Thanks.
Also a very random question I know you are really good at bargain shopping where did you get your bedding for Stella? Know any great places?
Great Post!!! I loved reading it. It always amazes me how Heavenly Father works. Timing, trial, etc. Although I don't always recognize at the moment, often looking back I am able to see exactly why things happen the way they do and why they happen when they do.
Glad that you guys had Stella last year to help you through your tough time... She is such a sweet little girl. You guys are great parents to her and she is so lucky to have you guys. Happy Birthday Stella!!!
Its so true! Its certainly not easy when things don't go the way you think they should and it takes time to gain a better perspective. God is in charge and looking back it is much easier to recognize. :)
what a beautiful post. it was fun to learn more about you and to feel of your strong faith. happy birthday to miss stella!!
Thanks Taryn. You put into words things that I feel but don't know how to say.
Happy Birthday Stella. Thank you for your beautiful words. I hope I can one day understand the lords timing in my life. Thanks for you faith!
Yes and yes...it is crazy the plans we have in our head, they don't work out the way we want, but in the end we wouldn't change a thing...it's a good thing our Father in Heaven knows us better than we know ourselves :)
Post a Comment